This is how my mind works on a Monday

I was reading the post from the World According to Woman about re-chargeable sex toys and going “Green” and couldn’t help but think about what alternative ways there were to power a vibrator.

I considered the possibility of something simple you could wind up…

Or maybe something more sophisticated like an elegant timepiece created by the finest Swiss clockmaker… But in the end I went with this as the best way to power or recharge a sex toy…

How To Build A Bicycle Generator

The intention of this project is to build a straight forward human powered generator from a used bicycle and to use it to power light bulbs, blenders, cell phones, laptops, and other small appliances. This project will help one develop engineering skills while learning about a clean way of generating electricity.

The project was created as part of Infrastructure Academy’s environmental technology curriculum for high school students, so it is intended to be both achievable and affordable.

You may laugh but let me put forward what I think are a few good points which make this highly practical.

  • Educational: Get your child to build it (for you) for their Science Fair. They don’t need to know the real reason you want it. (This could be the deciding factor that gets them into a good university. You DO want them to go to a good university, don’t you?)
  • Environmental Cred: Do you ever feel guilty for driving around in that gas-guzzling car of yours? Well with this you can, with a clear conscience, tell the  next smelly tree-hugger who gives you a dirty look to “Fuck off”.
  • Practical: There is nothing more boring than a power outage. The electricity goes off and suddenly you have no light, TV or internet access. What do you do? With this contraption in the house you could power some appliances or charge up a toy and then go to bed and fuck yourself silly.
  • Exercise: No one likes going to the gym. You sweat your guts out and maybe, just maybe, you lose some weight. That’s no incentive to get on a bike. However if you had the guarantee of an orgasm at the end of your ride then this would be a form of exercise that everyone would be happy to partake of.
  • BDSM Friendly: For those into the “Scene”, what says Dom more than ordering your sub (dressed in a latex body suit and ball-gag) to do a few hours in the saddle to charge up a vibe or power your Electro Stimulation Sex Toys?
  • Extra Kinky: Plus for those who want it a little more hardcore, then how about replace the bicycle seat with some kind of dildo or butt-plug for the ultimate gift that keeps on giving and giving and…

OK, maybe I’ve over-thought all of this but there’s nothing wrong with having an active imagination, now is there?

I confess it’s not a big confess but I confess it anyway.

I was recently told by someone very special that I am a “unique” individual. At the time of making the comment she was doing lots of moaning and groaning so I took her meaning to be of the complementary kind. But what is it that makes me unique? Or maybe a better question is, what is that makes me, me? As this blog has a strong leaning to sex and porn I thought I’d give you a small insight into where I think parts of my present-day sexuality comes from.

Now I could give a big part of it to K.G. (my next door neighbour) who was the first female to let me into her undies and take my cock into her mouth but since this happened before either of us reached ten years of age I put those experiences down to just happy childhood memories and maybe, just maybe, why I have a thing for older women (she’s two months older than me).

No, the two women who had the biggest influence on my burgeoning sexuality would have to be my mother and my old sister…


OK, can we continue now?

If you have been following my attempts at epic poetry you’ll be quite familiar with This is (not a) sonnet XXX and the opening stanza of:

Oh porn… How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
Mags, books and VHS. Internet, 3-D and Blu-ray.
Since tiny teen with nary downy-fuzz around my cock
Reading Jackie Collins novels and humping pair of socks.

But originally it read something like this:

Oh porn… How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
Mags, books and VHS. Internet, 3-D and Blu-ray.
Since tiny teen with nary downy-fuzz around my cock
Reading Mum’s romance novels and humping pair of socks.

Yes that’s right. My first introduction to hardcore sex was from Mills & Boon romance novels. You might scoff but these were a sure fire way to read graphic sex scenes and boy did I read a lot. I read enough to know the first sex scene would usually come somewhere between pages 90-110. Sure, I read them for the sex but I did usually finish the whole book so maybe this proves while I am a sex-fiend I’m also a romantic sex-fiend.

Oh now there’s an interesting question. Did the romance novels make me romantic in later years or was I drawn to the romance novels because it was always in me? I also read a lot of historical romance novels back then and I’m a big history buff now so which came first and which influenced which?

I still read today for “Teh Sex.” Sure the language has changed and there are a few more gangbangs but you can’t beat a well written story to stir the mind and loins in a way that no video can.

Now it wasn’t exactly my sister who was the other big influence but her boyfriend. He was the one that supplied me with my first dozen beers, first “I’ll never do that again” hangover and my first glance at hardcore pornography. First there was the videos and in the mid 80’s it was true video of the VHS kind. Now I think the film that started me off was Dracula Erotica but I can’t be sure. What I can be sure of is I remember lying in front of the TV on a big cushion and thinking this is the best thing I’ve ever seen and I’m going to sneak back down after everyone has gone to bed and watch it again. Oh, and I had a constant hard-on all through the movie. Yay for being age fourteen again.

But he didn’t just open my eyes to video but magazines as well. I’m not talking Playboy with its “artistic” and air-brushed models but those magazines where you had actual people doing actual fucking and while they weren’t as life-like as video they were still graphic enough and more importantly portable enough to take to my bedroom for some serious and quality alone-time.

From then on I’m pretty much like every other boy who didn’t have a girlfriend and so had to rely on book, video, magazines and my dominant hand for sexual companionship. I could start a rant about how kids today just don’t know how lucky they are to have porn so available through the internet, but it will just come out jealous and bitter so I’ll leave it there. So thanks Mum and thanks Sis for making me happy and turning out such a well adjusted and romantic sex-fiend.

OK so maybe this isn’t the biggest of insights but you have to start somewhere.🙂

The 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 GREATEST sex scenes… In my DVD collection… In the world… Ever!

Over at the IFC they have a list of The 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema. Now I’m not going to say that this is the definitive list because when it comes to enjoying the nasty we all have different criteria of what’s really hot. But I will give them credit for their number one choice of Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in Don’t Look Now.

So what kind of self-respecting blogger would I be if I didn’t peruse my DVD collection and have a go at creating a list myself. But fifty seems far too much work so I’m going for somewhere between five and nine.

Now please don’t judge me on my choices. This list is not based on passion, cinematography or artistic merit etc. This list came from those scenes that were so eye-opening, WOW or WTF at the first viewing that they have stuck with me ever since.

So without further delay and in no particular order…

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Scenes from a Sex Education Class: Theory and Practical.

I was reading Ms Naughty’s blog and in it she comments on an interview with feminist, Naomi Wolf. As usual a very interesting read, but there was one point in particular that got me thinking.

Ms Wolf believes that the kids of today are getting their information about sex from mainstream porn. With its gang-bangs, ass-to-mouth and wanking on a woman’s face it’s giving a distorted view to today’s youth on how real sex actually happens. This is turning a generation of boys into insensitive arseholes and giving a generation of girls prolapsed rectums.

I have touched on this briefly before and I’m of the opinion that kids aren’t as dumb as they’d like to have us think. They may be a bunch of lazy, moody and ungrateful little bastards at times, but this does not mean they are idiots.

So here’s my question. If not from bad and evil porn, then where do kids get their information about sex?

I’m not talking about “Sex Education” where they learn about reproduction, contraception, STI’s and the mechanics of sex, but how to have a fulfilling sexual experience for all parties involved

When you consider how important sex is as a part of our lives you would think there would be more hands-on advice. Sure there are plenty of books and magazines of what to do, but instruction manuals are for connecting up your DVD player to the TV and not for learning “The art of Love.”

Think about how much effort and importance we place on teaching kids things like learning to read or drive a car. What if we took that same process of structured learning to teach kids how to have happy and healthy sex lives?

So If you would please make your way to my alternate universe, here is how I think the teaching of sex would happen. But due to privacy concerns you will only hear from the instructors.

Give them Sex Ed before they get SexEd.

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If you’re giving the gift of love, please make sure it’s gift wrapped.

I some how came across this psychology paper and while much of it was over my head this one phrase stuck with me so much that I filed it away.

“…women may be less likely to be contraceptively prepared due to fear of negative social evaluation.”

While this is a sad indictment of today’s society I couldn’t help but see the humour in its absurdity. So This is my take on being “contraceptively unprepared,” and for some reason it’s being told by a very bad stand-up comedian.

Ha Ha He He Last Saturday night I was down at the Church Social Club for their Dinner & Dance evening. I’d barely been there five minutes, and only on my fourth beer, when this woman bowls on over, looking me up and down like I was her long-lost favourite dildo.

I glanced hurriedly around the room. I’m worried I’d missed the announcement proclaiming the end of the world had come, and we subsequently only had 15 minutes left to live vicariously, with the social club collectively deciding it was going to be shagging, since there was no footy on the TV to watch.

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“The answer to bad porn isn’t no porn. It’s more porn!” – Annie Sprinkle

Print I have a question. Why does the Feminist Porn Awards have a butt plug as their logo? I suppose I could email them and ask, but that seems far too easy and would short-cut my meandering theorising.

The most obvious answer is that up until 2010 the actual, physical, award given out at the ceremony:

was a clear glass butt plug mounted on a small pedestal with an engraved brass plaque that read “…Feminist Porn Awards.” – Tristan Taormino 2006

So the question then becomes, why is the Feminist Porn Awards trophy, a butt plug?

Butt plugs and porn do go very well together, and one does compliment the other. But does it really say, feminist porn? One of the criteria for what makes a winner is that, “It depicts genuine female pleasure.” Now I’m not saying women can’t enjoy having things stuffed up their bottoms, but if we are talking about female pleasure wouldn’t the most obvious thing to represent feminist porn have something to do with the vulva.


Family Tree Glass

I was thinking of a trophy looking something like this, but larger and mounted vertically on a plinth.

But then I went back to, “What makes a movie a Feminist Porn Award winner?” and read this statement:

It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes that are often found in mainstream porn.

Does that mean that the vulva is the stereotypical sexual representation, and the butt plug symbolises the shift beyond mainstream boundaries? Or am I just reaching, and making things up. Talking out of my arse. Maybe I need a butt plug?

I’m sure that there is a simple and valid answer to, “Why a butt plug? But let me tell you the one I made up, off the top of my head. To get the answer we have to go back to 2006, to the day of the inaugural awards ceremony and listen to a conversation that took place in an office at Good For Her.

“Hey, where are the award trophies for tonight’s ceremony?”

“What trophies?”

“What do you mean, ‘What trophies?’ The trophies you ordered for tonight’s Feminist Porn Awards.”

“Ummm… weren’t you doing that?”

“No! I was getting the plaques engraved with the names of the winners and categories. You were ordering the trophies that they go on. So where are they?”

“Ummm… you sure you weren’t doing that?”

“No, that was you!


“Oh my god! Please tell me you are joking? Please tell me that you did not forget the most important part of the evening?”

“Hey, didn’t you say at that staff meeting in the pub, that it’s not the winning but the taking part, and it’s about celebrating the role of women in the porn industry, and that guy by the bar had a nice tight…

“Yes, yes, yes! I did say all that after a few too many Appletini’s. But it’s still an awards ceremony, and we do have to give out something to the people when they come on stage.”

“I could nip down the florist and grab a bunch of… Now there’s no need to give me that look.”

“I can’t believe you screwed this up. You had one thing to do for this, one thing… If you weren’t my sister’s only child, God rest her soul!”

“What do you mean by that? She isn’t dead.”

“When I get through with her, payback for lumping me with you, she will be.”

“Now that’s not very kind.”

“What are we going to do? If this was an awards night where the majority of guests were men I’d suggest getting them all drunk, and then give them balloon animals and hope they don’t notice. I could really do with an Appletini right now”

“Did you know that women who drink face more health and social problems than men who drink?”

“That in no way helps us.”

“I’m just saying. Anyway I’m sure we can find something to give them. What about a vibrating cock-ring? I like those, they’re fun. You’re giving me that look again, and it’s still not nice.”

“No! Cock! Rings!”

“Ok, what about one of those giant dildos.”

“Are they the ones that remind you of a lighthouse?”

“Yeah, one of those.”

“There’s going to be a lot of press there tonight, and while we have nothing against the penis per se, a bunch of women waving around giant glow-in-the-dark dildos does not really say feminist porn.”

“Well what about give them some DVD’s? We had a new bunch just come in.”

“Are you a complete fool? You want to give copies of DVD’s to the people who produced the DVD’s in the first place, as award trophies?”


“Shut up, I’m trying to think. We need something that looks good, says porn and doesn’t get us fired.”

“What about…”

“Don’t even think about suggesting gift certificates, or I’ll walk down to McDonald’s right now and fill out a job application form for you myself.

“I like their nuggets.”

“Please be quiet. I’m trying to save both our jobs here. If you remember you are still on thin ice with the boss over that fiasco at Christmas.”

“But it was a brilliant idea, everyone said so. Snow globes in the shape of butt plugs for the holiday season, and I got them at a very good price.”

“Yes, we all thought it was a great idea until we saw that your butt plug snow globes didn’t have any snow in them. We couldn’t even sell them as regular toys, because they were as safe to use, up the bum, as a Coke bottle.”

“Coke bottles are fun. I remember this one time…”

“Stop right there! I don’t want to hear. Hang on don’t those snow globes have wooden bases?”

“Yeah, they do. It has…”

“That’s it! Ok, here’s what we’ll do…”

So that’s how I think the Feminist Porn Awards came to give out butt plugs to the winners. All we need is for someone, who won that first year, to check under the plaque and see if it says “We wish you a Merry Christmas, butt a Happy New Year – Good For Her.”

EDIT:  I would just like to say congratulations to all who participated in the Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards.  As a heterosexual male, I may be a little biased, but I think you have the greatest job in the world, ever.

That’s not a monkey on my back. I’m just happy to see you.

After reading Aries post on her “like of porn”… sigh, why can’t I meet a woman like that…?  Why can’t I meet a woman?  Anyway after reading her porn, sorry, post and leaving a comment my attention was drawn to the four “Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)” listed below.

One was a piece on the season finale of “Nurse Jackie”.  I know what this program is but living in New Zealand, may never get to see it.  But how this got matched with porn I’ll never know?  …Oh of course!  Porn and medical dramas are very similar.  One has lots of sex and the other has… lots of sex.  OK, they’re the same thing.

The next blog was from a woman who quoted the Bible.  You know that she is not a fan.

Hang on for a quick aside.  There’s Christian Rock (oxymoron) to balance against the evils of real Rock.  So I was wondering if they do Christian porn.  It was suggested that the Paris Hilton video was an example, to put people off sex.  But I know this video was created by the “Evil Homosexuals” to turn men off women.  Almost worked as well.

(Sorry, Paris, for being bitchy)

So I am reading “Christian lady” and to her porn is a sin, almost like cheating, and this is really bringing me down.  I understand what she is saying but I just can’t agree.  She seems to be saying that people watch porn instead of being with their partner.  Now if you can find anyone who has uttered the line “Sorry honey I can’t have sex with you.  I’m too busy watching porn” I’ll watch that Paris video for rest of my life.

So I move on to the next blog and I know I’m not going to like it.  His theme is mostly fluorescent lime green and it makes me feel a little ill just looking at it.  He is addicted to porn and this blog is his way of letting the world know of his “shame”, and how he is going to give it up.  The blog’s called “Losing a habit in 30 days”.  I read the post for “Day 1” and the blog stops at an update on “Day 8-12” in December 08.  So we have no idea how he got on or if he was able to kick the habit.  Now I don’t mean to judge and I’m not going to analyse someone from a few blog entries but when you say things like…

By giving up porn , I will be detaching myself from the ego and a step closer to connecting with my true self.

…I think there are more to your problems than porn.

I want to have a little rant here.  “Shame” guy mentions getting a “porn fix” at work and so it seems do a lot of other people.  So what I want to know is, what the hell are those people who manage office networks doing all day?  If Iran can stamp down on Twitter and its like why can’t they implement a few filters and block porn at work.  Sure you are not going to stop it all, but seriously folks?

The last blog I visit is called On the dark side of the internet, and is written by another person who wants to quit porn “cold turkey”.  This one I find just depressing.  You know that this is not going to be happy stuff when you hit the second paragraph.

In advance I would like to apologize for the inevitable upcoming periods of gloom and whining and also the periods of overconfidence and excessive giddiness. I know from experience that quitting porn watching cold turkey does strange things to my mood.

This is not a happy person, and setting up a blog to tell the world just seems strange.  I have set up a blog and am talking about porn but it is not the be all and end all.  My blog is a vehicle to give opinion, inform, entertain, amuse and then talk about porn.  Checking this blog I find that it has only three entries and ends September 08.  So once again we do not know if he managed to save his soul from the evils of the nasty stuff.  But one paragraph caught my attention because I could see myself reflected in it

…trying to find the perfect piece of porn

I think the closest comparison I can think of is if you have ever experienced biting your fingernails and not being able to stop, or eating candy and not being able to stop until you feel sick from all the sugar

I’m thinking “That’s me” and then I’m thinking, am I a porn addict?  Could I give it up?  Should I give it up?  Do I want to give it up?  The answer is, no I don’t.

Let me first state that I am single and not in any kind of relationship.  To be honest I don’t really want one at this time in my life.  Sure one day the perfect woman may come along but I am certainly not going to obsess over it.  So what do I do if I want to find some “Happy Time”?  Do I go out to the pubs and clubs to find fleeting fulfilment with a perfect stranger.  No, that does not appeal at all, and I am certainly not going to pay for it.  I have nothing against woman making an honest living, but that just does not sit well with me and also I’m far too cheap.  So my “Happy Time” is mostly “Alone Time” accompanied by an internet connection.  It may not be enough for some people but I am doing fine, and in the end it is all about personal happiness.  So to “Christian lady”, “Shame” and “Depressing guy” I’ll keep my porn because I know my issues and problems are not caused by porn and are certainly not going to be fixed by giving it up.

Saying that I will admit to having somewhat of an addictive habit when it comes to the internet.  I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or watch soap operas, so believe I am entitled to have this vice.  But I do spend a fair amount of time on it.  So in a gesture of acknowledgement to this I have decide that I shall give up the computer for one day a week.  I was thinking of making Sunday my day of rest.  I will not log on and instead spend the time doing other things like spending time with my family or simply catching up on my reading etc.

Then on Monday we’ll watch some porn.