I’ve seen sexual bucket lists around for ages, in one form or another. Some are quite tame while others could make a porn star blush. The more of them I read the more impressed and envious I become. For I may talk-the-talk, but my walk-the-walk is more a “gentle stroll” than an “ulra-marathon”. So out of pure bitterness and jealousy I’ve decided to create a list that no-one can complete, by combing sex with another great love, sci-fi / fantasy.
1. Create your own clone and then have sex with it. Don’t worry, having sex with yourself is not gay.
2. Swap consciousness’s with someone and then have sex with them. Guys if you’re in a girls body this also isn’t gay. NOTE: Guys, as a rule of thumb, I’d recommend waiting till after she’s through PMS-ing.
3. Have sex with Amy Pond on the TARDIS console. Rory and the Doctor can watch if they want. I don’t give a fuck because I’m having sex with Amy Pond! (You have to say that last bit LOUDLY in the voice of Matt Smith which makes it all the more sexy. For you older, more discerning, fans you can replace Amy with Romana II if you like.
4. Become Invisible and then hang out in the gym showers. Hey! I didn’t say “school gym” you sick pervert!
5. Have sex with an alien. Points are awarded for how unhuman the alien looks ie. you get more points for banging a Wookie than you would for doing a Minbari. However if you decide to have sex with Jar Jar Binks then please be aware we will be turning up at your doorstep with a Death Star. You have been warned.
6. Have sex with a robot. However, please remember they have feeling too so clean them up afterwards to reduce the chances of rusting. Also always use protection to avoid those nasty viruses and the chance of electricution.
7. Have a threesome with two Orion slave girls. !WARNING! Please seek medical advice before you do this as there is high risk of death. A happy death but death none the less.
8. Go back in time and become your own Grandparent. EWWWW!
9. Be used as dildo by a Giantess, or if you like that sort of thing, by a Giant. However if you go for the giant option then please remember to keep your arm straight out from your body at all times.
10. Have sex with a vampire and live. Or maybe a threesome with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica and not give a flying fuck if you live because I’m having sex with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica at the same time!
11. Have sex with a werewolf in any position except doggy.
12. Have sex in space. I don’t just mean boring sex in zero-G on the International Space Station. No I mean REAL sex, outside the air-lock while you’re travelling through hyper-space.
13. Achieve an orgasm by merely sitting on a warp engine while its doing at least WARP-8. NOTE: Newer Star Fleet ships have very little vibration so I’d recommend older ships, Klingon ships, or if you are an engineer then you might want to adjust the inertial dampeners just a little to get the rumbling effect.
14. See how many sex toys you can order from the food replicator before Security shows up. It makes sense these machines can create toys considering all the cups they’ve made to hold Raktajino (Klingon coffee).
15. Have rough “assimilating” sex with the Borg. They really like it when you spank their arse, pull their cybernetically-enhanced hair and tell them “Resistance is futile!”
16. Survive the end of the world and have sex with the only other survivor, who is surprisingly always very attractive and of a similar age. This only applies to male/female heterosexual couples. For some reason gay people never seem to survive. Sorry gay people, that sucks.
…and finally there is to be no zombie fucking AT ALL! That’s just wrong! How can you care about satisfying your partner sexually when all you want to do is eat their brains? Also it’s extremely selfish. What happens if you break up? What’s their next partner going to do once you’ve “eaten them out”?
(Please note: If anyone needs help with completing their own bucket list just let me know and I’d be more than happy to help. Thank you.)