Remembering lost words

This one, of course, is my favourite.

Sprunt is an old Scots word (from Roxburgh, to be precise) meaning “to chase girls around among the haystacks after dark”. I would dearly love to have lived in a time and a place where this was such an everyday activity that they needed a single-syllable word for it. Old dialect words give us a glimpse of lost worlds, and sprunt is my favourite glimpse.

via Mark Forsyth’s top 10 lost words | Books |

You’ve shown me yours so I’ll show you mine

I had the house to myself this morning and with it being nice and sunny I decided to give myself a haircut. For me, this meant getting naked and going out to the backyard with the re-chargeable clippers. Doing it in the garden, au natural, saves on the clean-up and I like to think I’m doing the birds-nest building industry a major favour.

I love it. It’s always great fun and there’s no better feeling than having your balls kissed by a warm autumn sun or your cock get a teasing blow job from a prevailing breeze. What about the neighbours? Don’t worry, I’m discrete, as I have no wish to offend or be arrested.

I’ve always been one for going naked when the opportunity arose. Not in a sexual context but the simple pleasure of being unencumbered by the restraints of clothes and the society that imposes them upon us. I really wish I had the body and the confidence to do it more. Mostly though, I’m restricted to dancing round the house like a mad man with the music blaring as loud as possible.

Unfortunately with the house still full of Easter visitors my naked dancing will have to wait till I have the house to myself again. Until then I’ll do the next best thing and give you the list of my favourite YouTube naked music videos.

The Brighton Port Authority, featuring David Byrne & Dizzee Rascal – Toe Jam

This is how I envision orgies from the 70’s to be. The joy of pre-AIDS shagging in the shag pile. I am of course referring to actual carpet and not 70’s untrimmed pubic hair.

Queen – Bicycle Race

In 1978 we have 65 naked women cycling around a greyhound track. This, my friends, is pure ROCK ‘N’ ROLL. We miss you, Freddy.

Make The Girl Dance – Baby Baby Baby

I have no idea what is being said but it doesn’t matter. It’s in French so you know it’s Le Cool.

Alanis Morissette – Thank U

While she is naked and a very beautiful woman I like this one because of the naked sentiment. It’s more “Aww” than “AWW YEAH!

Massive Attack – Paradise Circus

You might think this one is here because of the spread legs and vulva shots but the truth is I have a massive hard-on for bunny ears. Get me drunk enough and I’d probably do a dude if he was wearing bunny ears.

British Sea Power – Who’s In Control

Up till now it has all been about naked women. So here’s one for you cock-lovers, with some full frontal male nudity.

The colours of love

I don’t use nail polish (I swear) but I am aware the names given to them can be at times outlandish. So when I saw this photo on βεing୪βεdlαm and the colour described as “Belt-blossomed Pink” I immediately though it the perfect name for a shade of BDSM themed cosmetics. But what other colours could there be? Well, with the help of Wikipedia’s List of colours I here by give you this seasons full range of colours which will be gracing all the fashionable dungeons this year.

  1. MILF Antique white
  2. She’s slutty I’m Azure
  3. Fuck me Baby pink
  4. Bust my Ball Blue
  5. Got no dildo Banana yellow
  6. Hairy Beaver
  7. Cum tastes Bittersweet
  8. Beat me blue & Black
  9. Show us your Brass
  10. Backseat sex Carmine
  11. Pop my Cherry
  12. Take me Deep cerise
  13. Condoms or Eggplant
  14. Beg / Grovel / Fawn
  15. Tongue my French rose
  16. Handjob Honeydew
  17. Stick it Indigo
  18. Deepthroat “I love you” Lava
  19. Foreplay gets you Light cyan
  20. Come up to Maroon
  21. Beat my Meat brown
  22. Big tits Melon
  23. I’ll cum any Mint
  24. Tiny cock Moccasin
  25. No Ho Navajo white
  26. Cock too big but Olive
  27. Don’t risk STDs Orchid
  28. Waxed Peach
  29. Non-waxed Peach puff
  30. Lick my Pearl
  31. Finger my Periwinkle
  32. I don’t deepthroat Puce
  33. Pump me harder Pumpkin
  34. Nipple clamp Purple
  35. So much cum Quartz
  36. I like her Rackley
  37. Lash marks Red
  38. Scratch marks Scarlet
  39. Fuck me arse Tickle Me Pink
  40. Third base Tiffany Blue
  41. Outdoor water-sports Tumbleweed
  42. I’m no vampire Twilight lavender
  43. Any port Ultramarine
  44. On top and Umber
  45. Like fuck I’m Vanilla
  46. Squirts like a Waterspout
  47. Three orgasms White
  48. Good slaves don’t Wine
  49. Pleasure my Xanadu
  50. Harder she Yellow

If I’ve done my sums correctly (and I’m not totally sure about that because I don’t really know how to work an abacus) then βεing୪βεdlαm and I are going to be very rich. I intend to take my half and buy Apple and then produce a Steve Jobs porn parody. Then take the vast profits from that enterprise (you know all those Apple fans will buy anything Steve Jobs related) and buy Facebook and Google which I’ll give to Bill Gates as a gift for all the porn I’ve seen thanks to Windows (and because Minesweeper is pretty cool).

Image via βεing୪βεdlαm

Eleven reasons why there’s a finger in your vagina…

…That aren’t sexual…mostly.

  1. IA type of Ben-Wa ballst’s cold and you’re not wearing anything with pockets.
  2. You suffer from a mild case of Agoraphobia.
  3. You forgot how many drug filled condoms you smuggled past customs.
  4. Just had a sex change and this “pussy thing” is FABULOUS!
  5. Way better than a mitten.
  6. Just got engaged and you’re too embarrassed to show your friends how small the diamond is.
  7. Softening your cuticles for a manicure.
  8. You have a constantly dry mouth and need to turn the page of a book.
  9. You got cocky and the Ben-Wa balls you bought are far too heavy.
  10. Searching for your G-spot. (and once you’ve found it) Giving directions to someone else.
  11. You didn’t want to take a purse (or wear a bra) when you went out clubbing.

Thank you, G.

Because you all asked so very nicely…

I was trying to keep the last post clean but since you all wanted to know…

Ok, […]. Here is a tongue in cheek look at the amount of calories you can burn during sex, sexual activities, and foreplay and uh some other activities involving sex. via

Satisfying Partner Sexually (penis size)

Most experts agree that penis size means nothing. In those rare instances where a man has a small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder. whereas a man with a really large organ might not have to work as hard.
Normal size penis = 22 calories
Oversize = 15 calories
Tremendous = 8 calories
Teensy weensy = 163 calories

Multiple Orgasms For Women:

2 = 14 calories
5 = 30 calories
8 = 47 calories
(Depending her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to make the beds and cook supper.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral. = 15 calories
Vaginal = 21 calories
Penile = 21 calories
Scrotile = 15 calories
Rectal = 25 calories
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) = 30 calories

Calories Burned in Various Sex Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom = 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that this position affords a better view of the clock.) = 25 calories
From the rear = 40 1/2 calories
Standing Both partners of equal height = 18 calories
Standing Woman 1 foot taller than a man = 90 calories

Sex Locations

On a bar stool = 20 calories
Rear of a car = 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing = 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down = 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat = 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat = 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat = 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory = 100 calories

Premature Ejaculation

During insertion = 2 calories
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) = 5 calories
During foreplay = 3 calories
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) = 4 calories

Typical Sex Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did = 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do = 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual =10 calories
Climaxing too soon = 5 calories
Climaxing too late = 6 calories
Not climaxing = 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object = 9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object = 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm = 88 calories


For pleasure only = 6 calories
For exercise, too = 10 calories
For relief from tension = 12 calories
To pass the time = 7 calories
To avoid overeating = 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self = 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self = 10.5 calories
To avoid insanity = 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) = 9 calories
Using your hand(s) = 11 calories
Using your finger(s) = 9 calories
Using tweezers = 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll = 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) = 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated = 12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup = 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric = 5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here = 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = purchasing the ticket = 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = finding isolated seat = 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater = adjusting raincoat = 3 calories

Seriously though it has been estimated that having sex for a half hour burns approximately 150 to 200 calories and sometimes maybe as high as 350 calories if you are really active in bed.

The calories burned during sex is roughly the equivalent of fast walking, jogging, or weight lifting for around thirty minutes.

Go have a look at the full list.

If only it was that simple…

29 Activities and the Calories They Consume

Activity                                                             Calories per hour

1. Making mountains out of molehills               500
2. Running around in circles                             350
3. Wading through paperwork                          300
4. Pushing your luck                                          250
5. Eating crow                                                    225
6. Flying off the handle                                      225
7. Jumping on the bandwagon                          200
8. Spinning your wheels                                    175
9. Adding fuel to the fire                                    150
10. Beating your head against the wall            150
11. Climbing the walls                                        150
12. Jogging your memory                                 125
13. Beating your own drum                               100
14. Dragging your heels                                   100
15. Jumping to conclusions                              100
16. Beating around the bush                             75
17. Bending over backwards                            75
18. Grasping at straws                                      75
19. Pulling out the stoppers                               75
20. Turning the other cheek                              75
21. Fishing for compliments                              50
22. Hitting the nail on the head                          50
23. Pouring salt on a wound                              50
24. Swallowing your pride                                  50
25. Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)                               50 – 300
26. Passing the buck                                         25
27. Tooting your own horn                                 25
28. Balancing the books                                    23
29. Wrapping it up at day’s end                        12

Source: Bulletin, Columbus Industrial Association, July 11, 1977

The sci-fi & fantasy sexual bucket list

I’ve seen sexual bucket lists around for ages, in one form or another. Some are quite tame while others could make a porn star blush. The more of them I read the more impressed and envious I become. For I may talk-the-talk, but my walk-the-walk is more a “gentle stroll” than an “ulra-marathon”. So out of pure bitterness and jealousy I’ve decided to create a list that no-one can complete, by combing sex with another great love, sci-fi / fantasy.

1.  Create your own clone and then have sex with it. Don’t worry, having sex with yourself is not gay.

2.  Swap consciousness’s with someone and then have sex with them. Guys if you’re in a girls body this also isn’t gay. NOTE: Guys, as a rule of thumb, I’d recommend waiting till after she’s through PMS-ing.

3.  Have sex with Amy Pond on the TARDIS console. Rory and the Doctor can watch if they want. I don’t give a fuck because I’m having sex with Amy Pond! (You have to say that last bit LOUDLY in the voice of Matt Smith which makes it all the more sexy. For you older, more discerning, fans you can replace Amy with Romana II if you like.

4.  Become Invisible and then hang out in the gym showers. Hey! I didn’t say “school gym” you sick pervert!

5.  Have sex with an alien. Points are awarded for how unhuman the alien looks ie. you get more points for banging a Wookie than you would for doing a Minbari. However if you decide to have sex with Jar Jar Binks then please be aware we will be turning up at your doorstep with a Death Star. You have been warned.

6.  Have sex with a robot. However, please remember they have feeling too so clean them up afterwards to reduce the chances of rusting. Also always use protection to avoid those nasty viruses and the chance of electricution.

7.  Have a threesome with two Orion slave girls. !WARNING! Please seek medical advice before you do this as there is high risk of death. A happy death but death none the less.

8.  Go back in time and become your own Grandparent. EWWWW!

9.  Be used as dildo by a Giantess, or if you like that sort of thing, by a Giant. However if you go for the giant option then please remember to keep your arm straight out from your body at all times.

10.  Have sex with a vampire and live. Or maybe a threesome with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica and not give a flying fuck if you live because I’m having sex with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica at the same time!

11.  Have sex with a werewolf in any position except doggy.

12.  Have sex in space. I don’t just mean boring sex in zero-G on the International Space Station. No I mean REAL sex, outside the air-lock while you’re travelling through hyper-space.

13.  Achieve an orgasm by merely sitting on a warp engine while its doing at least WARP-8. NOTE: Newer Star Fleet ships have very little vibration so I’d recommend older ships, Klingon ships, or if you are an engineer then you might want to adjust the inertial dampeners just a little to get the rumbling effect.

14.  See how many sex toys you can order from the food replicator before Security shows up. It makes sense these machines can create toys considering all the cups they’ve made to hold Raktajino (Klingon coffee).

15.  Have rough “assimilating” sex with the Borg. They really like it when you spank their arse, pull their cybernetically-enhanced hair and tell them “Resistance is futile!

16.  Survive the end of the world and have sex with the only other survivor, who is surprisingly always very attractive and of a similar age. This only applies to male/female heterosexual couples. For some reason gay people never seem to survive. Sorry gay people, that sucks.

…and finally there is to be no zombie fucking AT ALL! That’s just wrong! How can you care about satisfying your partner sexually when all you want to do is eat their brains? Also it’s extremely selfish. What happens if you break up? What’s their next partner going to do once you’ve “eaten them out”?

(Please note: If anyone needs help with completing their own bucket list just let me know and I’d be more than happy to help. Thank you.)