Haiku: The Zone

A Sci-Fi channel?
Tears of joy spill down my cheeks
SKY, don’t fuck this up!

The sci-fi & fantasy sexual bucket list

I’ve seen sexual bucket lists around for ages, in one form or another. Some are quite tame while others could make a porn star blush. The more of them I read the more impressed and envious I become. For I may talk-the-talk, but my walk-the-walk is more a “gentle stroll” than an “ulra-marathon”. So out of pure bitterness and jealousy I’ve decided to create a list that no-one can complete, by combing sex with another great love, sci-fi / fantasy.

1.  Create your own clone and then have sex with it. Don’t worry, having sex with yourself is not gay.

2.  Swap consciousness’s with someone and then have sex with them. Guys if you’re in a girls body this also isn’t gay. NOTE: Guys, as a rule of thumb, I’d recommend waiting till after she’s through PMS-ing.

3.  Have sex with Amy Pond on the TARDIS console. Rory and the Doctor can watch if they want. I don’t give a fuck because I’m having sex with Amy Pond! (You have to say that last bit LOUDLY in the voice of Matt Smith which makes it all the more sexy. For you older, more discerning, fans you can replace Amy with Romana II if you like.

4.  Become Invisible and then hang out in the gym showers. Hey! I didn’t say “school gym” you sick pervert!

5.  Have sex with an alien. Points are awarded for how unhuman the alien looks ie. you get more points for banging a Wookie than you would for doing a Minbari. However if you decide to have sex with Jar Jar Binks then please be aware we will be turning up at your doorstep with a Death Star. You have been warned.

6.  Have sex with a robot. However, please remember they have feeling too so clean them up afterwards to reduce the chances of rusting. Also always use protection to avoid those nasty viruses and the chance of electricution.

7.  Have a threesome with two Orion slave girls. !WARNING! Please seek medical advice before you do this as there is high risk of death. A happy death but death none the less.

8.  Go back in time and become your own Grandparent. EWWWW!

9.  Be used as dildo by a Giantess, or if you like that sort of thing, by a Giant. However if you go for the giant option then please remember to keep your arm straight out from your body at all times.

10.  Have sex with a vampire and live. Or maybe a threesome with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica and not give a flying fuck if you live because I’m having sex with vampire “Barbie” and vampire Jessica at the same time!

11.  Have sex with a werewolf in any position except doggy.

12.  Have sex in space. I don’t just mean boring sex in zero-G on the International Space Station. No I mean REAL sex, outside the air-lock while you’re travelling through hyper-space.

13.  Achieve an orgasm by merely sitting on a warp engine while its doing at least WARP-8. NOTE: Newer Star Fleet ships have very little vibration so I’d recommend older ships, Klingon ships, or if you are an engineer then you might want to adjust the inertial dampeners just a little to get the rumbling effect.

14.  See how many sex toys you can order from the food replicator before Security shows up. It makes sense these machines can create toys considering all the cups they’ve made to hold Raktajino (Klingon coffee).

15.  Have rough “assimilating” sex with the Borg. They really like it when you spank their arse, pull their cybernetically-enhanced hair and tell them “Resistance is futile!

16.  Survive the end of the world and have sex with the only other survivor, who is surprisingly always very attractive and of a similar age. This only applies to male/female heterosexual couples. For some reason gay people never seem to survive. Sorry gay people, that sucks.

…and finally there is to be no zombie fucking AT ALL! That’s just wrong! How can you care about satisfying your partner sexually when all you want to do is eat their brains? Also it’s extremely selfish. What happens if you break up? What’s their next partner going to do once you’ve “eaten them out”?

(Please note: If anyone needs help with completing their own bucket list just let me know and I’d be more than happy to help. Thank you.)

If dreams are like movies, then I forgot to take mine back to the video store

Who's dreaming who?

I’ve been thinking about dreams lately. I wake up in the morning after some really bizarre nocturnal imaginings but all too soon they fade till, sometimes, nothing remains. I wonder about all the things I have dreamt but some how lost. The easiest option would be to start a dream journal and record them on waking while the memories are still fresh. The big problem with that is I can barely function at that time of the day to hit the snooze button, or scratch my balls, let alone be aware enough to write things down coherently.

But I do enjoy my dreams… but not in the way you are thinking. In all my years I’ve only ever had two or three sex dreams (Those I don’t forget). There have been a few where I’ve woken just before the action was to take place and there’s one special dream which is carved deep into my psyche. It involves being propositioned by a mystery female to have carnal relations in the middle of the playing field at my old High School right before the lunch bell. My dreaming self of course declined this exhibitionism, as you can’t do that sort of thing, can you? Only then to awake, realise the opportunity missed and do the obligatory Darth Vader imitation “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

But apart from memorable ones like that my usual dreams fade fairly quickly. The only ones I can remember of late are just fragments involving celebrities. There’s one where Emma Watson and I run around large mounds of red dusty clay being chased by a monster worm (Imagine Tremors or Dune). The other is Robert Downey Jr. driving me madly around in a large Victorian black coach wanting to show me a stone inscription having something to do with Trafalgar. You know, usual stuff like that.

What they mean I have no idea. I’m not worried about the interpretation, if there is any, but simply want to be able to hold on to them for the simple pleasure of how weird and wonderful they are. I’m not saying they are all blockbuster dreams with famous people in them. Last night’s dream was about a kettle, a broken kettle, that wouldn’t turn off once the water boiled. The water bubbled and sputtered and the stream shot forth like a small domestic geyser or maybe even a ‘geezer’… but not like a Giza (I promise that no pyramids were harmed in the making of my dreams).

So today I was thinking about how fantastic it would be if we could record dreams. Then strangely enough what do I read in Gizmodo tonight? Scientists Reconstruct Brains’ Visions Into Digital Video In Historic Experiment.

Eventually, this process will allow you to record and reconstruct your own dreams on a computer screen.

Is that a spooky coincidence or what? Or am I just dreaming all this? Are you actually reading this or merely figments of my mind? How can you really tell? … Hang on, is any of this real?

Oh, it’s all OK. I have the urge to go pee and that never happens in a dream. Be right back…

…[flush]…

Record your dreams, WOW! The possibilities are just infinite… but so are the problems and as I like to think of myself as a practical person I’ve also thought about the downside of recording dreams. Here a few that rolled off the back of my mind while I was… briefly indisposed.

  • It won’t ever happen. How long have they been promising us real robots with proper artificial intelligence?
  • The media giants won’t allow it. It would destroy all TV and film as we know it. Why would you watch [insert name] when you could watch their dreams?
  • Even if they can make it work it will never be built as there will be years of legal battles involving patents that Apple say they own.
  • People will complain about George Lucas’ dreams as he keeps re-editing them.
  • James Cameron will want to bring his out in 3D.
  • Peter Jackson will bring out an extended version of his.
  • Joss Whedon will bring out his but they will be cancelled.
  • Criminal charges will be filed against TV reality stars for fraud after selling dreams which are vapid and empty and probably produced with the dream equivalent of auto-tune.
  • Copyright lawyers will have a field day as they sue everyone who has had a similar dream to their client.
  • I could do one about Taylor Swift winning “Best Dream” but then Kanye West comes on stage and… but I can’t be bothered.

Also as anyone who has seen any movie where they plug things into your mind knows, nothing ever goes well. EVER! We have Inception, The Matrix, Dark City, Strange Days, eXistenZ and Forbidden Planet to name just a few as fair warning not to mess about with all the weird stuff going on up there. Sure I’d like to know what goes on in my head but maybe there’s a reason they fade. Maybe it’s simply your minds way of making room for all the amazing dreams yet to come.

Image via Snoop

And here is the News (Or stuff I made up after too much coffee and not enough sleep).

A vivid imagination is a wonderful thing. But take it too far and you’re likely to end up visited by those nice men in white coats or be the proprietor of a conspiracy theory website.

I have a harmless habit of trying to connect unrelated news stories as if they are pieces in some greater truth. The result usually makes no sense except to my own warped imagination and although I do enjoy theses fantastical flights of fancy I do feel grounded enough to know that they aren’t real.

Or at least I hope so.

The main topic of news today is the sad tale of David Garrett’s dream of becoming an international assassin and how it ended abruptly at an early age. Thus forcing him to settle on his second career choice of becoming a New Zealand MP and the law and order spokesperson for his political party.

But it’s the story of the Canterbury Earthquake Response and Recovery Bill that became the first leg to prop up my tripod of craziness.

This legislation, enacted in a day with the backing of all parties, creates an order-in-council mechanism.

This allows ministers to relax or suspend potentially every other act of Parliament – barring five dealing with constitutional matters – to the extent they may “divert resources away from the effort to efficiently respond to the damage caused by the Canterbury earthquake”.

Now not everyone is happy with this draconian legislation that’s created a dictatorship for Gerry Brownlee, the Minister for Canterbury Earthquake Recovery. While I agree with these commentators to a certain extent I don’t accept that we are heading down the same road as the coup d’état champions of the world, Fiji. Not yet.

Another story that caught my gaze was the extremely subtle headline Supreme Court: Corporations Can Buy Judges.

You’ve heard that a recent [United Stated] Supreme Court decision said that corporations can give unlimited funds to politicians.

But did you realize that it said that corporations can give unlimited money to judges?

So you have one story from New Zealand where power is given to one person in a time of urgency and another story from the US about the encroaching influence of money and corporations on the courts for the purpose of gaining favourable business decisions.

This of course is just the way the world works and nothing but politics and money that we see in one form or another every day.

But…

What happens if you throw in some random and unrelated story and start to let your reason and rationality slide a little?

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