Let me tell you my fantasy.

Sorry, it’s not that kind of fantasy.

Flicking channels last night I caught the weekly lottery draw and as I watched the balls tumble I drifted off to that magical place, you know it, where you think about what you’d do if you won all that money. If me, after I’d gone through the initial crazy period where I’d most likely spiked the share price of Amazon with all my excessive purchases, I’d embark on The Big Plan. It would be to open a second-hand book shop that catered to the sci-fi/fantasy genres. There would of course be a large section for the paranormal-romances as I want to bring in the chicks and not just geeky dudes. That’s the basic plan. A nice quiet life surrounded by stacks of well-loved books.

There would also be a section for second-hand DVD’s. An area of comfy seating where you’d buy over-priced coffee and just sit and chat or read something plucked from a shelf. I’m not going to worry about people reading but not buying as I did win the lottery and the coffee REALLY is over-priced. Finally, there’d be a small stage where people could give talks or maybe we’d have evenings for local comics or poetry reading.

So that’s what I’d do if I won the lottery … well at least that’s the “G” rated option. Would you like to know the “R” rated option? Hello … anyone there? Sorry, didn’t see you in the back. Come a little closer and I’ll tell you my grand plan. It’s OK, I don’t bite … much.

So because it’s legal in New Zealand I could open a brothel but because this is a fantasy let’s go bigger and bolder. I’d start-up an internet porn studio. Now I know what you’re thinking and you are right. There are hundreds of them already and they make very bad porn most people wouldn’t pay anything to see. But I want to make comedy-porn. It would be something like a comedy sketch show but with fucking. A cross between Saturday Night Live and Funny or Die but with cum shots. I haven’t decided on a name yet but it’ll be something along the lines of “CUM FOR THE LAUGHS” or “THAT’S FUCKING FUNNY.” After you’d watched a sketch the best compliment you could give would be, “I laughed so much I came in my pants.”

I thought about this after visiting Rage Comics and realising how so many people had so many funny things to say. So scripts shouldn’t be that hard to find (crosses fingers).

But what about finding actors, you ask? Hey this is my fantasy so stop asking me reasonable questions!

But I did have the idea to invite people via the internet to video themselves doing a scene from wherever they are, send it to me, I stream it and then we both profit-share from the number of views it gets. A sort of ethical / Fair-Trade porn that hopefully makes you laugh.

So that’s my lottery fantasy©. Now all I need to do is wait for my lucky numbers to come up. But don’t worry I know a lottery win is a trifle unreliable so I have a back-up plan which involves I marry a rich older woman. Nothing wrong with dreaming big. LOL

I want to get off Facebook and get into you (A porno-poem).

I had a little moment of sexual panic yesterday afternoon.

I have a “friend” on Facebook who has the habit of getting me worked up. She can do it very easily and does it oh so very often. In return I create these private photo albums for “our eyes only”, from images found searching Google, and then write naughty little descriptions underneath to tell a story or fantasy she might have suggested. It’s all innocent fun for the both of us but with lots of nasty graphic sex.

But yesterday was different as she “shared” the latest album on her wall and that got me a little flustered. Now luckily this one was a simple threesome fantasy with the two of us and another woman. Nothing to be embarrassed about as it’s a very vanilla type fantasy and almost mainstream. (Although I’m a little unsure how the reality would turn out as I’m not the greatest at multi-tasking.) But the moment I realised what my friend had done I hastily deleted the last photo from the album. The reason being that this image was a jump-off point for another fantasy that I felt was definitely not of the vanilla variety. It wasn’t anything bad or likely to cause harm to small furry animals but I certainly didn’t feel secure enough to let that bit of the fantasy, of my sexuality, be put on public display.

Yes I know I’m pussy-footing around the subject. Even now on this blog, which isn’t connected to Facebook and so semi-anonymous, I’m still not comfortable talking about what the photo depicted and that’s pretty much the whole point of this post. But what’s truly embarrassing is that I’m more embarrassed about being embarrassed than about what I’d like to do with some like-minded consenting adult. So while I do consider myself an enlightened individual and sex-positive I’m also one that is full of hang-ups and insecurities about what is socially acceptable when it comes to “proper” masculine sexuality. Or maybe I’m over analysing and it’s just a case of me being too shy and introverted. Maybe it’s both. But it does give me a new-found respect for those who choose to live their lives honestly and openly in this world that too often furrows its disapproving brow at them.

But I’ll stop writing now as I’ve said too much and not enough and I’m not even sure if I’ve made any sense at all. I’ll finish with something I wrote after a fun evening chatting on-line with my friend.

I want to get off Facebook and get into you

You are a special person,
who I really love to bits.
But all I want, just right now,
is your mouth, your vag and tits.

Just thinking of you naked,
gives me a raging horn.
You in my bed, a man don’t need,
on-line streaming porn.

Sorry you can’t wear a bikini,
cause of love-bites on your breasts.
We’ll make a deal, stop flashing me,
and hickeys, I’ll give a rest.

Sometimes you undress slowly,
Other times I rip it off.
Cause slow and soft is just as fun
as BANG, FUCK, BOFF.

I don’t care what position we’re in,
long as I’m balls deep.
Wrapped and trapped between your thighs,
where I wanna keep.

I want to be inside you
where it’s hot and wet and tight.
To pound and suck and lick and fuck -
you for hours through the night.

I want to stick my tongue in you,
lap till clean and dry.
Then suck your clit, till wet again,
then have another try.

Your mouth feels great, I’m in so deep,
then you start to hum.
You take a breath… then all my shaft,
nails clawing at my bum.

You jump up quick, give a grin
then get on hand and knee.
I slide in and we both groan,
cause who doesn’t LOVE doggie?

I aint gonna stop this
till you’ve cum twelve times or more.
On the couch, in the shower and -
twice hard up against the door.

Finally you lay upon my chest,
a sated sweaty heap.
Both us covered in love and cum,
from head to entwined feet.

I stroke your hair, kiss your cheek
and ask if that was fine.
You grin and point out rightfully
that the wet spot’s not all mine.

So to my sexy FB friend,
I dedicate this naughty rhyme
Who gets me hot, so I wanna ”get off”,
when I chat with her online.

Porn in the Library: A moral and ethical dilemma.

I don’t consider myself a prude, maybe slightly submissive with an overtly kinky streak, but certainly not a prude. But a story on AVN had me hunting through the desk draw for my righteous indignation. I couldn’t find it so had to settle for shaking my fist at the screen like Grandpa Simpson and bemoaning “Why won’t someone think of the children.”

It wasn’t about the fertility-friendly lubricant with a name that gives me the willies. Pre-Seed may be an accurate moniker but sounds like something you would only use in a sentence in conjunction with the term “Fertile and fruitful loins.”

No, what got me going was the Los Angeles City Council Committee Tackles Library Porn story.

Committee members are being asked to consider a motion filed Jan. 21 by Los Angeles City Councilman Ed P. Reyes that was inspired in part by an indecent at the city’s Chinatown branch of the public library, during which porn being watched by someone on the library computer was seen by other patrons.

As this is set in the US there is the issue of censorship and first amendment rights which I’m not going to get into. No, I want to bitch about the non-geographical issue of the morality (Shock, Horror) behind it. I use the “M” word because my initial reaction was an emotional one. “This is so very wrong!”  I didn’t have a logical argument as to why but simply felt the line of right and wrong had been crossed. Of course this line is totally subjective and since it’s my rant I get to decide where it’s drawn and what colour crayon to use.

So why so outraged? It can’t be I think books shouldn’t be associated with porn. When growing up where else was I going to find it? Authors: Harold Robbins, Shirley Conran etc. were my go-to people for smut and let’s not forget those publishers of filth Mills & Boon. I’m not kidding! I read enough to know if you wanted the sex scenes then 95% of the time they could be found between pages 95-110. While I truly believe that books are “sacred” (and manifest symbols and depositories of the imagination and knowledge) I don’t think it’s wrong to stick them under the legs of a table to raise it to a precise height so you can stand comfortably while banging away at a chick.

It can’t be I think a library is a sacred place. I remember my brother once telling me he had sex in a church and I thought that was totally cool. I’m not sure if he misplaced his virginity at the same time but I do remember he said, “sex in a church.” Not the sort of thing you’d forget, is it?  So if “sex & church” is OK then why would I be bothered by porn and a library?

It’s not the issue of looking at erotic images in a library either because who hasn’t done that (puts hand up)? If you get a little worked up then you nip to the toilet for a quick tug or diddle and job’s a good’un (quickly lowers hand). I hear having sex in a library is part and parcel of university life (if you believe the stories) but that usually happens hidden away in the stacks and you don’t find under-age kids there.

Maybe it’s simply because I consider watching porn directly associated with masturbation and something to be done in private. Now it would be fine to do in a public space if the public was watching voluntarily and of a legal age. But if they are not then you are forcing your sexuality on others and there are a few nasty words for that sort of thing along with a well deserved criminal record.

So in conclusion, and to make myself perfectly clear, watching porn in a library is wrong and you should not…

Hang on I just realised I’ve been talking about the act and not the person who does it. It must take some real balls or not give a major fuck to view porn where everyone else can see. Although it’s not stated in the article I assumed it was a man. What if I’m wrong and it was a (slightly dominant with an overtly kinky streak) woman. Would that make a difference?

So in conclusion, and to make myself perfectly clear, watching porn in a library is wrong and you should not do it but if you are a woman could I please have your number or email address?

The miseducation of Ms. Mullins.

The miseducation of Ms. Mullins

Up on the crest of a green rolling hill
Beneath the shade of lone apple tree
Alone sat a maid named Ms. Mullins
With book perched upon demure knee.

Ms. Mullins was a lady in full bloom
Of age but had yet chosen to wed
By all definition an eligible young lady
But intrigued by mysteries of the bed.

As a farm girl she’d seen animals at it
And her brother in the barn with cook
But never imagined, oh so much more -
Till discovering this well loved old book.

Lovely red leather and gold title script
Unfortunately, Je ne parle pas français
But being unable to read fluent French
Didn’t stop it from what it had to say.

Page after page of detailed pictures
Opulent colours, to simple pen and ink
But no matter the artists choice medium
Their subjects warmed her cheeks, pink.

So keen was her interest in this tome
Nothing, no bee or falling fruits tumble
Could tear her eyes from these pages
Except maybe a thunder’s loud rumble.

At first it was a shock to all her modesty
But with reflection it was just wondrous
Her fingers flicked pages while thinking,
No wonder everyone makes such a fuss.

So men do that and women do that and…
Oh my lord! Is that possible with a cow?
Then remembered a scandal years back,
So that’s why her uncle can’t raise sows.

But the images that got most attention
Were men giving their lovers lips a kiss
Uneven aware you can kiss down there
But the ladies faces all say that its bliss.

The effects of the wanton illustrations
Of countless and carnal entwined limb
On her pert nipples and downy nether’s
Was hardening, moistening, flushed skin.

As one finger traced a man’s endowment
The other slid unbeknowingly to her lap
To a place that is reserved for husbands
After gold ring and a parson’s mouse-trap.

To the world just a young miss on a hill
So Ms. Mullins gloried in the books riches
Eyes and mind feasting on bawdy sights
Fleet fingers made a meal in her britches.

Body aquiver the book fell from fingers
For a time she sat shuddering in a daze
Hand beneath gown liberally covered in -
What we’ll discreetly call a lady’s-glaze.

A stranger witnessing this bucolic vista
Might assume the poor girl’s in distress
Short on breath, wide eyes, pink cheeks
The utter dishevelled state of her dress.

On standing she adjusted her clothing
A strand of hair she tucks back in place
And savours the aroma on her fingers
As they gently trail across her soft face.

Gazing down into the lush green valley
Fruit of knowledge shines in her smile
Her veins still sing with such pleasure
And promises herself more in a while.

For eyes are fixed on yonder Sheppard
A comely lad and friend to her brother
Wondering if he’d like to see her book
And the joys that lay beneath its cover.

Image: Getty Images.

Fond memories of porn and… umm… other activities.

I was almost ready to post this little poem when I was informed, via Violet Blue, that Sasha Grey had announced her retirement from porn. So I’d like to dedicate it to Sasha for all her years of wonderful service and for all the joy she’s brought into this world… and which was then discretely wiped away with a tissue. Thank you Sasha.

This is (not a) sonnet XXX

Oh porn… How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
Mags, books and VHS. Internet, 3-D and Blu-ray.
Since tiny teen with nary downy-fuzz around my cock
Reading Jackie Collins novels and humping pair of socks.

Glossy ads for lingerie, coming off (In the Sale)
Playtex: Cross-Your-Heart, utter filth beyond the pale
Back of bus, girly-mags passed through grubby mitts
Eyes a-gog at tits and arse and the pink and hairy bits.

See Linda Lovelace on VHS. Bambi Woods on DVD
Late at night head-phones, so they won’t catch me.
From Golden Age to Gonzo. Annette Haven to Sasha Grey
Countless scenes of horny dreams, viewed all night and day.

Well actually most were at night, when quiet was the house
…And not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Yeah…I watched on December 25th, the holiest of hols
Offed my rocks, waxed my wang and got my Xmas jolls.
And pretty much every other day whenever I felt the need
Turned it on, lubed it up and proudly did the dirty deed.

Now inter-webs made it easier to satisfy all porn desires
For cock or cunt or whatever else stokes your carnal fires
And what of the lucky ones, paid to wank on streaming-cam
I tried once but not much dosh, viewing a fat and ugly man.

Now I’m not into whipping chicks or Bears or Trans or pee
But if every fuckers having fun then you’re alright with me
I’m just a simple man wanting love from a like-minded mate
But till that day I’m watching vids of 12 guys, one girl, one plate.

But whatever your favourite porn is, to which you want to fap
It’s all the same and always ends with some organ leaking sap
Here’s hoping for a big one. May it cause your toes to curl
I wish you all a happy sticky cum, you freaky boyz and gurlz.

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Images courtesy of theft via Google Images. Sorry about that! I only just discovered the Slideshow option (Isn’t WordPress cool?) and went a little crazy.

Pornography, Censorship and Lolcats in New Zealand.

Douglas Adams wrote:

“Space,” it says, “is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space, listen…”

Something else that’s “Really big” is the internet. No matter how much time you may spend wasting your life surfing page after page there’s bound to be a massive amount that you miss and subsequently have no knowledge of.

It stands to reason there’s a countless number of people who have no idea a large percentage of the internet is made up of cat photos. There’s also bound to be a small group who would be genuinely surprised if you told them there’s a great many photos of naked women on the net. Yes, genuinely surprised, and then they’d go off looking for those photos.

With that all said, I shouldn’t then feel embarrassed about not knowing certain facts that everyone else seems to just take for granted as common knowledge.

I was reading Aimee Wee’s article, She Censors Porn For a Living! Now I know here in New Zealand you can’t show certain things to consenting adults (to protect the impressionable children and them delicate women folk) because those things are objectionable. But it wasn’t until I read this that I learnt how uptight and restrictive our censorship is.

I find most of my cuts involve gaping, fisting, squirting, cream pies, bukkake, rough face fucking, too many guys on one girl, close ups on orifices dripping jizz, golden showers, a lot of BDSM genre porn and obviously scat.

I read this, stopped, read it again, looked around, read it again and then thought “Really,” we aren’t allowed to see any of that?

But that’s all the fun stuff.

My surprise at the amount and degree of censorship comes from not having been inside a New Zealand adult store, or purchased porn that’s been vetted by the New Zealand Office of Film and Literature Classification in so long that the last time I did everything was still on VHS. I’m not saying I don’t watch porn, but that I get it through the comfort of my internet connection and more specifically I get it for free. Yes, I am one of those people who is doing immeasurable harm to the adult entertainment industry by getting their jollies from watching the free stuff on the countless porn Tubes. But that’s another issue entirely.

I’m not going to get into the debate of censorship and what should and shouldn’t be allowed because that’s not the point of this post. What I’m trying to say is how truly ironic it is that we have a government organisation laying down rules and regulations to censor what can be sold in adult stores (that you must be over 18 years-old to enter); when all that good objectionable stuff can be found on the internet, for free, with a few clicks of the mouse, by anyone of any age.

Whether it’s to your taste or not, most of that censored material must make up the majority of porn out there. It makes me wonder how adult stores stay in business when they can only sell the censored version. Maybe they have a roaring trade in sex toys to make up for poor DVD sales. Now that’s a nice thought; butt-plugs, vibrators and dildos are keeping someone in a job and helping the economy to tick along.

Here’s a cute cat photo to finish this off. Oh, wait… Shit!

Is this legal?

Scenes from a Sex Education Class: Theory and Practical.

I was reading Ms Naughty’s blog and in it she comments on an interview with feminist, Naomi Wolf. As usual a very interesting read, but there was one point in particular that got me thinking.

Ms Wolf believes that the kids of today are getting their information about sex from mainstream porn. With its gang-bangs, ass-to-mouth and wanking on a woman’s face it’s giving a distorted view to today’s youth on how real sex actually happens. This is turning a generation of boys into insensitive arseholes and giving a generation of girls prolapsed rectums.

I have touched on this briefly before and I’m of the opinion that kids aren’t as dumb as they’d like to have us think. They may be a bunch of lazy, moody and ungrateful little bastards at times, but this does not mean they are idiots.

So here’s my question. If not from bad and evil porn, then where do kids get their information about sex?

I’m not talking about “Sex Education” where they learn about reproduction, contraception, STI’s and the mechanics of sex, but how to have a fulfilling sexual experience for all parties involved

When you consider how important sex is as a part of our lives you would think there would be more hands-on advice. Sure there are plenty of books and magazines of what to do, but instruction manuals are for connecting up your DVD player to the TV and not for learning “The art of Love.”

Think about how much effort and importance we place on teaching kids things like learning to read or drive a car. What if we took that same process of structured learning to teach kids how to have happy and healthy sex lives?

So If you would please make your way to my alternate universe, here is how I think the teaching of sex would happen. But due to privacy concerns you will only hear from the instructors.

Give them Sex Ed before they get SexEd.

Continue reading

“The answer to bad porn isn’t no porn. It’s more porn!” – Annie Sprinkle

Print I have a question. Why does the Feminist Porn Awards have a butt plug as their logo? I suppose I could email them and ask, but that seems far too easy and would short-cut my meandering theorising.

The most obvious answer is that up until 2010 the actual, physical, award given out at the ceremony:

was a clear glass butt plug mounted on a small pedestal with an engraved brass plaque that read “…Feminist Porn Awards.” – Tristan Taormino 2006

So the question then becomes, why is the Feminist Porn Awards trophy, a butt plug?

Butt plugs and porn do go very well together, and one does compliment the other. But does it really say, feminist porn? One of the criteria for what makes a winner is that, “It depicts genuine female pleasure.” Now I’m not saying women can’t enjoy having things stuffed up their bottoms, but if we are talking about female pleasure wouldn’t the most obvious thing to represent feminist porn have something to do with the vulva.

il_fullxfull.103239653

Family Tree Glass

I was thinking of a trophy looking something like this, but larger and mounted vertically on a plinth.

But then I went back to, “What makes a movie a Feminist Porn Award winner?” and read this statement:

It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes that are often found in mainstream porn.

Does that mean that the vulva is the stereotypical sexual representation, and the butt plug symbolises the shift beyond mainstream boundaries? Or am I just reaching, and making things up. Talking out of my arse. Maybe I need a butt plug?

I’m sure that there is a simple and valid answer to, “Why a butt plug? But let me tell you the one I made up, off the top of my head. To get the answer we have to go back to 2006, to the day of the inaugural awards ceremony and listen to a conversation that took place in an office at Good For Her.

“Hey, where are the award trophies for tonight’s ceremony?”

“What trophies?”

“What do you mean, ‘What trophies?’ The trophies you ordered for tonight’s Feminist Porn Awards.”

“Ummm… weren’t you doing that?”

“No! I was getting the plaques engraved with the names of the winners and categories. You were ordering the trophies that they go on. So where are they?”

“Ummm… you sure you weren’t doing that?”

“No, that was you!

“Ummm…”

“Oh my god! Please tell me you are joking? Please tell me that you did not forget the most important part of the evening?”

“Hey, didn’t you say at that staff meeting in the pub, that it’s not the winning but the taking part, and it’s about celebrating the role of women in the porn industry, and that guy by the bar had a nice tight…

“Yes, yes, yes! I did say all that after a few too many Appletini’s. But it’s still an awards ceremony, and we do have to give out something to the people when they come on stage.”

“I could nip down the florist and grab a bunch of… Now there’s no need to give me that look.”

“I can’t believe you screwed this up. You had one thing to do for this, one thing… If you weren’t my sister’s only child, God rest her soul!”

“What do you mean by that? She isn’t dead.”

“When I get through with her, payback for lumping me with you, she will be.”

“Now that’s not very kind.”

“What are we going to do? If this was an awards night where the majority of guests were men I’d suggest getting them all drunk, and then give them balloon animals and hope they don’t notice. I could really do with an Appletini right now”

“Did you know that women who drink face more health and social problems than men who drink?”

“That in no way helps us.”

“I’m just saying. Anyway I’m sure we can find something to give them. What about a vibrating cock-ring? I like those, they’re fun. You’re giving me that look again, and it’s still not nice.”

“No! Cock! Rings!”

“Ok, what about one of those giant dildos.”

“Are they the ones that remind you of a lighthouse?”

“Yeah, one of those.”

“There’s going to be a lot of press there tonight, and while we have nothing against the penis per se, a bunch of women waving around giant glow-in-the-dark dildos does not really say feminist porn.”

“Well what about give them some DVD’s? We had a new bunch just come in.”

“Are you a complete fool? You want to give copies of DVD’s to the people who produced the DVD’s in the first place, as award trophies?”

“Huh?”

“Shut up, I’m trying to think. We need something that looks good, says porn and doesn’t get us fired.”

“What about…”

“Don’t even think about suggesting gift certificates, or I’ll walk down to McDonald’s right now and fill out a job application form for you myself.

“I like their nuggets.”

“Please be quiet. I’m trying to save both our jobs here. If you remember you are still on thin ice with the boss over that fiasco at Christmas.”

“But it was a brilliant idea, everyone said so. Snow globes in the shape of butt plugs for the holiday season, and I got them at a very good price.”

“Yes, we all thought it was a great idea until we saw that your butt plug snow globes didn’t have any snow in them. We couldn’t even sell them as regular toys, because they were as safe to use, up the bum, as a Coke bottle.”

“Coke bottles are fun. I remember this one time…”

“Stop right there! I don’t want to hear. Hang on don’t those snow globes have wooden bases?”

“Yeah, they do. It has…”

“That’s it! Ok, here’s what we’ll do…”

So that’s how I think the Feminist Porn Awards came to give out butt plugs to the winners. All we need is for someone, who won that first year, to check under the plaque and see if it says “We wish you a Merry Christmas, butt a Happy New Year – Good For Her.”

EDIT:  I would just like to say congratulations to all who participated in the Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards.  As a heterosexual male, I may be a little biased, but I think you have the greatest job in the world, ever.

Exclusive: Snow White Sex Scandal. Scullery Maid Tells All. Page 3 for (NSFW) Photo Shoot.

Snow As a normal red-blooded heterosexual male in my thirties I have quite a few Disney films in my DVD collection. Like everyone else I was raised reciting the dogma that “They lived happily ever after.” Anyone who questioned this was going straight to hell with the “who-mo-sexuals” and liberals who don’t like shooting things. But of late I have started to question this way of life. Through following the teachings of such learned persons as “Common Squirrel” on Twitter and watching “Donkey on Dragon” porn I have come to the conclusion that this may in fact be a complete fairy tale.

Did Snow White and Prince Ferdinand have a life long romance? Or after a few years did things die down and did “Happily” fade to mere “Contentedly”.  You know how it happens. They just stopped communicating and taking time for each others feelings and needs. He got more involved in the running of the Kingdom and she poured her energies into her own business.

She of course owned half of the mining company with the dwarfs. Don’t ask what she did to get them to sign those contracts. They called the business “Seven The Hard Way” but I don’t know why. The added capital gained from the settlement with the Wicked Queen’s estate, after the murder attempts, allowed them to expand and go global. Now they have mining interests in China, Australia and South Africa. There’s even talk that they are going to buy Disney.

Snow and Ferdinand would meet up at the dinner table, when their busy schedules allowed, and talk about the kids and the new friends they had made on Facebook.  But this was a companionship built on familiarity and shared interests. Not the earthshaking, dove releasing “love you so much I think I’m going to puke” perfect love that you find in a Twilight novel.  He’d ask her if they should move the kids to a private school because he didn’t like them hanging around with those Shrek kids. She would enquire if he could remove the heads of the anti-royalists from the pikes out in front of the castle because the feeding crows were shitting all over the place.

But this wasn’t a loving marriage. This was, in the words of the most famous Fairy Godfather of them all “This is business not personal.”

The only time they felt any real closeness or connection was when they were having some nasty, kinky, depraved, monkey sex with a like-minded stable lad or chamber maid.  Snow was very much into group sex. After all she had done all seven dwarfs (Watch the infamous sex tape).  Ferdinand mostly liked to watch and got his jollies videoing and uploading it to the internet. It’s also said he refused to let her have sex with black men. But, according to rumours, when he wore panties and a dress things were completely different. Of course because he’s a man, rich and white, he could get away with things like that. Snow on the other hand was vilified by the press and labelled a “bawdy wench.”

So that’s what happens when you get past “Happily ever after.”  Those three words don’t allow any chance for sequels or trilogies and to be honest if that’s how things turn out then I’m not sure I want to see.

As for Snow and Ferdinand? So she’s not as “snow white” as she used to be. Who is? Who cares? But at least she doesn’t go around kissing dead girls in glass coffins. Now if the press got hold of that story.

And The Award For Best Fem-Dom Strap-On Release Goes To…

The 2010 AVN Awards Show was held on January 9th at The Palms Casino, in Las Vegas. They’re the “Oscars of porn” but the winners don’t leave with an Oscar, they get a Woody.  I bring this up because I was perusing through the list of winners, I have a curios nature, and noticed a couple of interesting points.

There are a lot of categories, and I mean a lot. If I counted right I got a figure of 126. This is in comparison to the Oscars with about 24. Sure the Oscars drag on for 3 ½ to 4 hours due to singing, dancing, adverts, and a host throwing in a few laughs. But how long would it take to give out 126 awards? I hope they water down the booze, because if your category is towards the end then you’re going to be pretty hammered. Maybe they announce the winner and then throw the award to the recipients so they don’t have to come on stage. It might speed things up, but I wouldn’t like the idea of a Woody flying towards my face. Others may disagree, but it’s not my thing.

Now don’t think I am being mean. All awards are well deserved and reflect how highly the winners are regarded by their industry colleagues. But a few of the category winners made me pause to think, and smile.

Hustler won Clever Title of the Year forWho’s Nailin’ Paylin?” I wouldn’t be surprised if the person who makes up those amusing titles earns more than anyone else on the production. Because there’s fucking, and then there’s funny.

The award for Best Anal Release caught my attention. Is that legal? Until I realized that it wasn’t for what I thought it was. Shit happens. I admit I made a hasty ASSumption, and I apologise.

I saw Best Screenplay and thought they were taking the piss. But no, they are serious. I once believed that the people who wrote for porn were those that couldn’t make it in Hollywood. But after sitting through “Avatar”, Hollywood has nothing to be proud of.

An award for Best Special Effects? Are you telling me that they give out a gong for the person who mixes up the egg whites and yoghurt to enhance the money shot? OK, so I exaggerate. While looking for a “fake sperm recipe” I came (no pun intended) across Methyl cellulose which is the product they use, and not just in porn but in all types of special effects. I will never be able to watch “Ghostbusters” again knowing that when Bill Murray gets slimed, he is in fact covered in cum.

“Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide To Threesomes” won Best Educational Release. Now educational videos are fine. Someone has to show men where the clitoris is. But come on let’s be honest. How many women are going to turn to their partner after watching this and say “A threesome sounds cool! I’ll call my hot kinky friend to come over and you throw the bear skin rug on the bed and give the mirror on the ceiling a bit of a clean.” It isn’t going to happen.

But this isn’t all fun and games. The list of winners illustrates some of the fundamental problems that plague modern society. These awards are slanted favourably towards women. For every male category there is a corresponding female one. But there are no corresponding categories for men when it comes to MILF’s, Cougars and Starlets. Where’s the nod for the fat, balding, old bloke. Just because he uses performance enhancing drugs is no excuse to disqualify him. He doesn’t take those little blue pills for fun you know.

The only way a man gets a category where he doesn’t have to compete with a woman is by putting on a dress and having a boob job. You have to admire the dedication to their craft. Transsexuals are undoubtedly the hardcore, men’s men, of the porn acting world.

As a final note I see that “Debbie Does Dallas, 30th Anniversary Edition” won Best Classic Release. This reminds me of the mystery of what happened to its star. Some say Bambi Woods died of an overdose in the 80’s, while others say she simply left the business and went back home. I, as an optimist (for today at least) favour the second theory and that she is living a quiet happy existence who now and then thinks back on those times and smiles.
Debbie Does Dallas (30th Anniversary Edition)