Let me tell you my fantasy.

Sorry, it’s not that kind of fantasy.

Flicking channels last night I caught the weekly lottery draw and as I watched the balls tumble I drifted off to that magical place, you know it, where you think about what you’d do if you won all that money. If me, after I’d gone through the initial crazy period where I’d most likely spiked the share price of Amazon with all my excessive purchases, I’d embark on The Big Plan. It would be to open a second-hand book shop that catered to the sci-fi/fantasy genres. There would of course be a large section for the paranormal-romances as I want to bring in the chicks and not just geeky dudes. That’s the basic plan. A nice quiet life surrounded by stacks of well-loved books.

There would also be a section for second-hand DVD’s. An area of comfy seating where you’d buy over-priced coffee and just sit and chat or read something plucked from a shelf. I’m not going to worry about people reading but not buying as I did win the lottery and the coffee REALLY is over-priced. Finally, there’d be a small stage where people could give talks or maybe we’d have evenings for local comics or poetry reading.

So that’s what I’d do if I won the lottery … well at least that’s the “G” rated option. Would you like to know the “R” rated option? Hello … anyone there? Sorry, didn’t see you in the back. Come a little closer and I’ll tell you my grand plan. It’s OK, I don’t bite … much.

So because it’s legal in New Zealand I could open a brothel but because this is a fantasy let’s go bigger and bolder. I’d start-up an internet porn studio. Now I know what you’re thinking and you are right. There are hundreds of them already and they make very bad porn most people wouldn’t pay anything to see. But I want to make comedy-porn. It would be something like a comedy sketch show but with fucking. A cross between Saturday Night Live and Funny or Die but with cum shots. I haven’t decided on a name yet but it’ll be something along the lines of “CUM FOR THE LAUGHS” or “THAT’S FUCKING FUNNY.” After you’d watched a sketch the best compliment you could give would be, “I laughed so much I came in my pants.”

I thought about this after visiting Rage Comics and realising how so many people had so many funny things to say. So scripts shouldn’t be that hard to find (crosses fingers).

But what about finding actors, you ask? Hey this is my fantasy so stop asking me reasonable questions!

But I did have the idea to invite people via the internet to video themselves doing a scene from wherever they are, send it to me, I stream it and then we both profit-share from the number of views it gets. A sort of ethical / Fair-Trade porn that hopefully makes you laugh.

So that’s my lottery fantasy©. Now all I need to do is wait for my lucky numbers to come up. But don’t worry I know a lottery win is a trifle unreliable so I have a back-up plan which involves I marry a rich older woman. Nothing wrong with dreaming big. LOL