Celebrating Feminist Smut in 3D

2009 trophy

I’ve been reminded that it’s the Good For Her, 2012, Feminist Porn Awards in a couple of weeks. So to mark the upcoming festivities I thought I’d do like James Cameron did and dust off some old material, give it the 3D treatment and then pass it off as something new and exciting. I actually think I did a better job than Jimmy C. No boats for me though but there’s always the chance I’ll get a chilly reception and sink.

At the moment I’m a little short on poems and blog ideas so I’ve decided to go back to April 2010 and pull out a post I wrote about the Feminist Porn Awards. In that post I proposed a theory on why, between 2006 – 2009, they used butt-plugs as their winners trophies. It was written in the form of a two-person conversation. So now it seems the obvious thing to use my latest toy, Xtranormal, to tell it in a more lively and animated fashion.

Huff goes on a transgendered adventure

Hey, Huff. Have you seen America’s Next Top Tranny 14?

No.

What about Shemale Cougar?

No.

Well, you must have seen This Is Definitely NOT Ugly Betty – A XXX Tranny Parody?

Oh yeah. I’ve seen that. That’s the one with Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page, isn’t it?

No! I think you’re thinking of Inception.

Are you sure?

Yes!

Then, no. I haven’t seen This Is Definitely NOT Ugly Betty – A XXX Tranny Parody. Why do you ask?

It’s the Tranny Awards, Sunday night and I was wondering if you were going.

Hang on. Are you allowed to use the T-word?

Not really sure but I think it’s OK as long as you’re referring to a direct quote.

OK… I think.

So are you going to the awards?

I thought about going… but then decided against it.

Why?

I’ve got nothing to wear.

This is totally true. I have nothing fitting to wear to an awards ceremony. But maybe I should get to the point of why I’m writing this.

Today I was browsing AVN and saw the story about the upcoming event but it was this sentence that really caught my interest.

The trophies have been designed for us by Simply Blown and they are really stunning.

I apologise for my stereotyping but any award trophy designed to recognise outstanding achievement in the transgender erotica industry has got to be…

FABULOUS!

I must know what it looks like!

So I hunt around and there are plenty of images of the previous year’s trophies, here, here and here.

Hazel Tucker

But to be honest I’m a little underwhelmed by them. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying they aren’t nice looking but I was expecting something with a bit more “OOMPH!” and “PIZAZZ!” Maybe all those years of viewing LGBT Pride parades has got my expectations just a little too high?

To satisfy my curiosity I go look at the Simply Blown site and I’m very impressed with all their colours and shapes. So many pretty things you could shove up the pleasuring parts of your body or the one you love… or at least lust after. You would describe these glass toys as fuckable works of art.

So then I start to wonder, after re-reading the quote on AVN. if what we have here is a total redesign of the trophy. Similar to how the Feminist Porn Awards changed their award trophies from a butt plug to the beautiful and highly practical NJOY Pure Wand.

I have to know what’s going on and I have to know now! So I decide the most obvious and easiest way to find out is to simply ask….

So I’m back to where I started. I’m going to have to wait a whole day to find out what the trophy looks like. Actually, it’s more like two days due to the 21 hour time-difference. Isn’t that horrendous? This is the internet-age, damn it, where all wants and demands should be gratified immediately. Who waits for anything anymore?

So that’s my transgendered adventure. Not exactly exciting but we dragons live quiet lives. Maybe we should get out more and go to events like the Tranny Awards.

Maybe, next year… we will.

“The answer to bad porn isn’t no porn. It’s more porn!” – Annie Sprinkle

Print I have a question. Why does the Feminist Porn Awards have a butt plug as their logo? I suppose I could email them and ask, but that seems far too easy and would short-cut my meandering theorising.

The most obvious answer is that up until 2010 the actual, physical, award given out at the ceremony:

was a clear glass butt plug mounted on a small pedestal with an engraved brass plaque that read “…Feminist Porn Awards.” – Tristan Taormino 2006

So the question then becomes, why is the Feminist Porn Awards trophy, a butt plug?

Butt plugs and porn do go very well together, and one does compliment the other. But does it really say, feminist porn? One of the criteria for what makes a winner is that, “It depicts genuine female pleasure.” Now I’m not saying women can’t enjoy having things stuffed up their bottoms, but if we are talking about female pleasure wouldn’t the most obvious thing to represent feminist porn have something to do with the vulva.

il_fullxfull.103239653

Family Tree Glass

I was thinking of a trophy looking something like this, but larger and mounted vertically on a plinth.

But then I went back to, “What makes a movie a Feminist Porn Award winner?” and read this statement:

It expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film and challenges stereotypes that are often found in mainstream porn.

Does that mean that the vulva is the stereotypical sexual representation, and the butt plug symbolises the shift beyond mainstream boundaries? Or am I just reaching, and making things up. Talking out of my arse. Maybe I need a butt plug?

I’m sure that there is a simple and valid answer to, “Why a butt plug? But let me tell you the one I made up, off the top of my head. To get the answer we have to go back to 2006, to the day of the inaugural awards ceremony and listen to a conversation that took place in an office at Good For Her.

“Hey, where are the award trophies for tonight’s ceremony?”

“What trophies?”

“What do you mean, ‘What trophies?’ The trophies you ordered for tonight’s Feminist Porn Awards.”

“Ummm… weren’t you doing that?”

“No! I was getting the plaques engraved with the names of the winners and categories. You were ordering the trophies that they go on. So where are they?”

“Ummm… you sure you weren’t doing that?”

“No, that was you!

“Ummm…”

“Oh my god! Please tell me you are joking? Please tell me that you did not forget the most important part of the evening?”

“Hey, didn’t you say at that staff meeting in the pub, that it’s not the winning but the taking part, and it’s about celebrating the role of women in the porn industry, and that guy by the bar had a nice tight…

“Yes, yes, yes! I did say all that after a few too many Appletini’s. But it’s still an awards ceremony, and we do have to give out something to the people when they come on stage.”

“I could nip down the florist and grab a bunch of… Now there’s no need to give me that look.”

“I can’t believe you screwed this up. You had one thing to do for this, one thing… If you weren’t my sister’s only child, God rest her soul!”

“What do you mean by that? She isn’t dead.”

“When I get through with her, payback for lumping me with you, she will be.”

“Now that’s not very kind.”

“What are we going to do? If this was an awards night where the majority of guests were men I’d suggest getting them all drunk, and then give them balloon animals and hope they don’t notice. I could really do with an Appletini right now”

“Did you know that women who drink face more health and social problems than men who drink?”

“That in no way helps us.”

“I’m just saying. Anyway I’m sure we can find something to give them. What about a vibrating cock-ring? I like those, they’re fun. You’re giving me that look again, and it’s still not nice.”

“No! Cock! Rings!”

“Ok, what about one of those giant dildos.”

“Are they the ones that remind you of a lighthouse?”

“Yeah, one of those.”

“There’s going to be a lot of press there tonight, and while we have nothing against the penis per se, a bunch of women waving around giant glow-in-the-dark dildos does not really say feminist porn.”

“Well what about give them some DVD’s? We had a new bunch just come in.”

“Are you a complete fool? You want to give copies of DVD’s to the people who produced the DVD’s in the first place, as award trophies?”

“Huh?”

“Shut up, I’m trying to think. We need something that looks good, says porn and doesn’t get us fired.”

“What about…”

“Don’t even think about suggesting gift certificates, or I’ll walk down to McDonald’s right now and fill out a job application form for you myself.

“I like their nuggets.”

“Please be quiet. I’m trying to save both our jobs here. If you remember you are still on thin ice with the boss over that fiasco at Christmas.”

“But it was a brilliant idea, everyone said so. Snow globes in the shape of butt plugs for the holiday season, and I got them at a very good price.”

“Yes, we all thought it was a great idea until we saw that your butt plug snow globes didn’t have any snow in them. We couldn’t even sell them as regular toys, because they were as safe to use, up the bum, as a Coke bottle.”

“Coke bottles are fun. I remember this one time…”

“Stop right there! I don’t want to hear. Hang on don’t those snow globes have wooden bases?”

“Yeah, they do. It has…”

“That’s it! Ok, here’s what we’ll do…”

So that’s how I think the Feminist Porn Awards came to give out butt plugs to the winners. All we need is for someone, who won that first year, to check under the plaque and see if it says “We wish you a Merry Christmas, butt a Happy New Year – Good For Her.”

EDIT:  I would just like to say congratulations to all who participated in the Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards.  As a heterosexual male, I may be a little biased, but I think you have the greatest job in the world, ever.