Celebrating Feminist Smut in 3D

2009 trophy

I’ve been reminded that it’s the Good For Her, 2012, Feminist Porn Awards in a couple of weeks. So to mark the upcoming festivities I thought I’d do like James Cameron did and dust off some old material, give it the 3D treatment and then pass it off as something new and exciting. I actually think I did a better job than Jimmy C. No boats for me though but there’s always the chance I’ll get a chilly reception and sink.

At the moment I’m a little short on poems and blog ideas so I’ve decided to go back to April 2010 and pull out a post I wrote about the Feminist Porn Awards. In that post I proposed a theory on why, between 2006 – 2009, they used butt-plugs as their winners trophies. It was written in the form of a two-person conversation. So now it seems the obvious thing to use my latest toy, Xtranormal, to tell it in a more lively and animated fashion.

Fond memories of porn and… umm… other activities.

I was almost ready to post this little poem when I was informed, via Violet Blue, that Sasha Grey had announced her retirement from porn. So I’d like to dedicate it to Sasha for all her years of wonderful service and for all the joy she’s brought into this world… and which was then discretely wiped away with a tissue. Thank you Sasha.

This is (not a) sonnet XXX

Oh porn… How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
Mags, books and VHS. Internet, 3-D and Blu-ray.
Since tiny teen with nary downy-fuzz around my cock
Reading Jackie Collins novels and humping pair of socks.

Glossy ads for lingerie, coming off (In the Sale)
Playtex: Cross-Your-Heart, utter filth beyond the pale
Back of bus, girly-mags passed through grubby mitts
Eyes a-gog at tits and arse and the pink and hairy bits.

See Linda Lovelace on VHS. Bambi Woods on DVD
Late at night head-phones, so they won’t catch me.
From Golden Age to Gonzo. Annette Haven to Sasha Grey
Countless scenes of horny dreams, viewed all night and day.

Well actually most were at night, when quiet was the house
…And not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Yeah…I watched on December 25th, the holiest of hols
Offed my rocks, waxed my wang and got my Xmas jolls.
And pretty much every other day whenever I felt the need
Turned it on, lubed it up and proudly did the dirty deed.

Now inter-webs made it easier to satisfy all porn desires
For cock or cunt or whatever else stokes your carnal fires
And what of the lucky ones, paid to wank on streaming-cam
I tried once but not much dosh, viewing a fat and ugly man.

Now I’m not into whipping chicks or Bears or Trans or pee
But if every fuckers having fun then you’re alright with me
I’m just a simple man wanting love from a like-minded mate
But till that day I’m watching vids of 12 guys, one girl, one plate.

But whatever your favourite porn is, to which you want to fap
It’s all the same and always ends with some organ leaking sap
Here’s hoping for a big one. May it cause your toes to curl
I wish you all a happy sticky cum, you freaky boyz and gurlz.

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Images courtesy of theft via Google Images. Sorry about that! I only just discovered the Slideshow option (Isn’t WordPress cool?) and went a little crazy.

Exclusive: Snow White Sex Scandal. Scullery Maid Tells All. Page 3 for (NSFW) Photo Shoot.

As a normal red-blooded heterosexual male in my thirties I have quite a few Disney films in my DVD collection. Like everyone else I was raised reciting the dogma that “They lived happily ever after.” Anyone who questioned this was going straight to hell with the “who-mo-sexuals” and liberals who don’t like shooting things. But of late I have started to question this way of life. Through following the teachings of such learned persons as “Common Squirrel” on Twitter and watching “Donkey on Dragon” porn I have come to the conclusion that this may in fact be a complete fairy tale.

Did Snow White and Prince Ferdinand have a life long romance? Or after a few years did things die down and did “Happily” fade to mere “Contentedly”.  You know how it happens. They just stopped communicating and taking time for each others feelings and needs. He got more involved in the running of the Kingdom and she poured her energies into her own business.

She of course owned half of the mining company with the dwarfs. Don’t ask what she did to get them to sign those contracts. They called the business “Seven The Hard Way” but I don’t know why. The added capital gained from the settlement with the Wicked Queen’s estate, after the murder attempts, allowed them to expand and go global. Now they have mining interests in China, Australia and South Africa. There’s even talk that they are going to buy Disney.

Snow and Ferdinand would meet up at the dinner table, when their busy schedules allowed, and talk about the kids and the new friends they had made on Facebook.  But this was a companionship built on familiarity and shared interests. Not the earthshaking, dove releasing “love you so much I think I’m going to puke” perfect love that you find in a Twilight novel.  He’d ask her if they should move the kids to a private school because he didn’t like them hanging around with those Shrek kids. She would enquire if he could remove the heads of the anti-royalists from the pikes out in front of the castle because the feeding crows were shitting all over the place.

But this wasn’t a loving marriage. This was, in the words of the most famous Fairy Godfather of them all “This is business not personal.”

The only time they felt any real closeness or connection was when they were having some nasty, kinky, depraved, monkey sex with a like-minded stable lad or chamber maid.  Snow was very much into group sex. After all she had done all seven dwarfs (Watch the infamous sex tape).  Ferdinand mostly liked to watch and got his jollies videoing and uploading it to the internet. It’s also said he refused to let her have sex with black men. But, according to rumours, when he wore panties and a dress things were completely different. Of course because he’s a man, rich and white, he could get away with things like that. Snow on the other hand was vilified by the press and labelled a “bawdy wench.”

So that’s what happens when you get past “Happily ever after.”  Those three words don’t allow any chance for sequels or trilogies and to be honest if that’s how things turn out then I’m not sure I want to see.

As for Snow and Ferdinand? So she’s not as “snow white” as she used to be. Who is? Who cares? But at least she doesn’t go around kissing dead girls in glass coffins. Now if the press got hold of that story.

So how do you like your porn?

Photo credit: jppi from morguefile.com

You’ve got to feel sorry for all those people who work within the US adult entertainment industry.  They seem to be taking it the hard way from every position possible .  What has happened to the glory days when porn was king?  A “…recession proof,” industry that once lead the way in technology and innovation.  Would the internet be what it is today without sex to thrust it forward?

The recession that we are all suffering through is affecting them just as much.  That they were already hurting; as DVD sales continue to slip due to the abundance of free material online does not help.   A final shot in the face is the AIDS Healthcare Foundation claiming that the failure to promote mandatory use of condoms by the industry “amounts to unsafe behaviour in a California workplace”.

Safe sex is a very serious issue and of course condoms should be used all of the time.  I’m all for it.  I was taught at a very early age that “A solider never goes to war with out his helmet”.  So why isn’t the industry taking the lead and promoting safe sex practices?  They are of course selling to people sexual fantasies and nobody wants their fantasy to have a warning label Attached.  The industry claims that the very nature of its “graphic” content is what people want to see and to cover it up behind latex (or hide “Behind the Green Door”) would put people off watching, and further hurt the business.

But is this truly the case?  In France any porn on Cable channels allowed to broadcast it must show the use of condoms; because to do otherwise

…sets a dangerous example and promotes “delinquent behaviour,”…

Condom-free may be more aesthetically pleasing to the viewer but if it is limited to only a certain market then is it less or more profitable than the pro-condom product to its producers?  While some in the industry claim that condom use may turn some people off, if the product can be shown across the entire adult market; does that then make it the better business choice?  I am not sure how prevalent condom use in French porn is; so I’ll take the word of the person who commented in the above link.

Hi all,
I live in Paris, France.
It’s true that all porn movies have benn “condom-compliant” for some years now.
…
But wearing a condom is of course so safe for health, regarding std… and showing porn with men wearing condoms is one way of “teaching” people to wear them. So i guess porn industry here, feeling somehow “responsible”, wants to participate.
Of course, maybe they only fear that otherwise this would be regulated and they would be forced to do what they can do now, voluntarily

As far as I know the French porn industry is still going and has not imploded.  So maybe its time for other countries, including the US as the major producer of content, to act responsibly and show more love with a glove.  If all US content produced was condom positive it may send a statement and boost the safe sex message through out the US and other countries (whose inhabitants have sex) much more than a government sponsored one.  But I also think that it would have more impact if it was voluntary rather than enforced by a legal framework.  A message of “We are doing the right thing, so should you”; instead of “The government is making us do this to spoil your fun”.  I know this is stereotyping or is it generalising, but Americans are not the type of people who hold with being told what to do by the government even if it is in their own best interests.

According to the AIDS Healthcare Foundation

many people get their sex education from porn movies.

Watching unprotected sex could prompt them to be careless during sex acts…

That may be taking things a little too far.  I’m no prude but I certainly hope that parents and sex education classes are not showing “Fuck Club” or “I’ve Been Sodomized”, and its like, to teach kids about sex.  But then again maybe it is and watching “Deep Throat” is the reason men have so much trouble finding the clitoris.  But I really don’t think we can blame the adult entertainment industry for society’s less than stellar record on sexual health.  Condom use within the industry would probably improve the safety of those who work in it.  As I said before; that to do so would send out a positive message.  But how affective would it be on the rest of us who know what we should be doing but don’t put that knowledge into effective practice.  Porn may have the increased the chance of a plumber getting laid on the job and influenced the fashion sense of teenage girls but are we really going to listen to them about safe sex practices.

Alternatively the industry does have a thing or two to show us.  Considering they are a bunch of “sexual delinquents” who have multiple partners, mostly unprotected while doing those practices which are considered high risk, their infection rate (including all types of STD’s) is only a fraction of what you would find in the general public.  Their are risks of course and the five cases of HIV infection within the industry that have been verified since 2004 proves this.  But an “…industry where erotic actors are tested for HIV every 30 days. [and} All sexual contact is logged,” shows that they are taking some, if not all the steps they could.  It is an imperfect system but this is an imperfect world and like most things in life it’s about knowing all the facts and consequences, and minimizing your risk.  I think it would be safe to assume that those within the adult entertainment industry are consenting informed adults who know these risks.  The AIDS Healthcare Foundation should concentrate more on the general public who don’t seem to take sex as seriously as those who do it for a living.

MOAN, BITCH, GRUMBLE, RANT! (Sorry about using upper case).

Well I have calmed down a bit since yesterday.  I have never been a person who likes Sundays.  They are far too close to Mondays and the start of the working week.  But Sunday it was when I walked into Kmart as part of a “window shopping” excursion and in the new releases was the DVD of Kevin Smith’s “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”.  Which is great (I’ve been waiting a while!) but then I picked up the case, turned it over, to look at the raft of expected extras and I suddenly felt like an Australian cricket fan (Sorry about The Ashes).  All that we get is “Deleted scenes…?  That’s it?  After the great job on packaging “Clerks 2” I was under the impression that the same would have been done for “Zack and Mirri”.

After exhaustive investigations (half an hour of Google-Bing-ing) I have come to the conclusion that what we have, here in our little corner of the world; is the first disc of the 2-disc edition.  This has got me confused since there seems to be at least three versions and that does not include the Blu-Ray.  There is the 2-disc edition, only available in region 1.  A region 2, one disc edition with extras, and the one we have here.  Which is so basic it reminds me of the early days of DVD when you had to turn the disc over to watch the second half of the film.

I know, I know.  The film should be enough and extras should be exactly that, extras.  But isn’t that the whole point of DVD; getting the entire package.  To see the story behind the film is sometimes as fascinating as the film itself; when done right.  One thing that is very obvious is that on whatever version there is, there is no director’s commentary.  Why Kev, why?  The only real conclusion I can think of (and this has me grumbling more) is that it will come out in a “special edition” to be released sometime in the future.

Now this is not a rant against Kev.  The man is a god, with a small “g”.  It is targeted at those “evil empires” that take the product and pass it along to us.  We know that we are no where near as important as the US market and so of course have to wait until they can be bothered to grace us with their attention.  But could they at least have given us their full attention and not merely a passing, glancing, thought.

So “what the hell” I thought.  I’ve gone an ordered the 2-disc edition from those nice people at Amazon.com.  When the “tramp steamer” finally docks and that case is in my hands I’m sure I’ll be happy (postage can’t be that much!?) and all will be forgiven.  But until then I shall continue to grumble and cast dark thoughts at the “evil empires”.

P.S  Redbox go sue their asses!