Crash!
I’m woken from a deep sleep by someone kicking in my door. In the moments it takes to form some coherent thoughts and focus my sleep-fuddled eyes I’m surrounded by a group of big men pointing big flashlights and even bigger guns at me.
“Don’t you move motherfucker or I’ll shoot you in the face.” Someone yells from behind the glare of the torches.
I’m totally still. Like the proverbial deer in the headlights. A very tiny deer.
“Who are you and what do you want?” I ask in a brave but very squeaky voice. The squeaky voice comes partly from a dry mouth and partly from my testicles trying to retract up into my body from mind numbing fear.
“You know who we are and why we’re here.” Another voice snarls at me.
“Umm.. no. Not a clue.” I squeak back.
After a long pause, that would have been perfect if this were a movie and just the right amount of time for the camera to get a great close-up, one of the voices steps forward and menacingly declares.
“We’re the Blogging Police.”
“Oh fuck!” They’ve found me.
I can feel the blood drain from my face and have to swallow, twice, as those damn cowardly testicles have managed to get up into my throat.
“See boys. He knows why we’re here and what we’re going to do to him.” He backs this up by pushing the muzzle of his gun hard up against my forehead.
Just in case you are wondering, no I don’t know what kind of gun it is and I don’t give a flying fuck. All I need to know is its big and will probably make a big mess of my brains all over my sheets which is a mighty shame because I just changed them yesterday.
“You’ve had your WordPress blog over two years now and you still haven’t done your mandatory post on the strange search queries that brings people to your blog. We’ve let it slide but you’ve had plenty of time and now that time has run out.”
“Ob blobob!”
“What did you say, shit head?”
Swallow, swallow. Fucking testicles! Get back where you belong.
“I’m sorry!”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, you fucker. So now you must die!”
“But I have a really, really good excuse for not doing that post.” I mumble. If I could see their faces behind the lights I’m sure they’d all be sneering at me.
“OK let’s here it. But just so you know we’re well aware you don’t have a dog so don’t try that ‘My dog ate my computer’ shit.”
How did they know I was going to…? Never mind, it’s time to think clearly and quickly.
“It would be better if I showed you.” I say.
“Then show us.” The next thing I know a black gloved hand is reaching for me and I’m being dragged from my bed.
Cut to me sitting at the computer in my penguin patterned pj’s surrounded by a hulking group of heavily armed men all dressed in black with the full regalia of helmet, harness and balaclava.
“OK then what’s this excuse?” Says the man with the gun. OK I know they all have guns but he’s the one pressing it against my head so that makes him the most important.
I am so glad I peed before going to bed tonight.
“So here’s my list of top search results for today.” I say, showing them my blog’s Stats page.
Search Engine Terms: Today paris hilton vagina lindsay lohan vagina diane keaton nude britney spears vag britney spears coochie snow white sex diane keaton tits carnalation lyriikat snowwhitesex helen mirren nude
“That has to be the most boring list I have ever seen in all my years as a blog cop. ” Says Mr Big-Gun and all his mates nod agreeingly.
“Exactly and that’s why I haven’t done the post. There isn’t anything of interest there so why bore people.” I say, all the while giving them my best sickly, trying to look innocent, smile.
“So that’s your excuse? You’ve disregarded the most fundamental law of blogging society and your reason to be spared a grisly death is because you’re boring?”
I turn up the wattage on my sickly smile and nod away like an idiot.
He looks around at his fellow blog cops then down at the gun still pressed to my temple. Then after another of those long pauses that would give a film score time to build to a weighty crescendo and create heightened tension.
DUM DUM DUMM!
He smiles and puts his gun away.
“Well sir, that’s all fine then. Sorry for bothering you and we’ll be on our way. Sorry about your front door too. Here’s my brother-in-law’s number, give him a call. He’s a carpenter and will have that looking like new in no time. Let him know I sent you and he’ll give you a discount.”
“Umm… Thanks!”
“No problem. You have a nice day now. Oh and I love your pj’s. Where’d you get them?”
“K-Mart.”
“Cool, Thanks. They look nice and warm.”
“They are.”
Then just as quickly as they came, with a wave and a smile, they leave.
Not bulletproof but very warm in the winter
Hmmm so I still have 19 months… I might have to arrange for Mr.Beam to be away that night and revise my thoughts on the Abduction Fetish…
I think you’ll be OK. I’ve been told that they only show up in full SWAT gear for male bloggers. For female bloggers they turn up in nothing but loincloths and their muscular forms are glistening with baby oil. Also they don’t carry guns but instead bring magnums of champagne and the industrial version of the Hitachi wand.
This seems a little unfair but it’s the law… so what can you do?
Grin and bear it I guess!
*jumps up fist hitting the air* *looks innocent*
ROTFL
Sorry, I’m sure that was traumatic…!
But see, now you’ve done that post and they won’t have to come back
Love your PJs by the way!!
They’re are awesome. My one regret about the upcoming summer is that the heat makes them unwearable.
I’m getting to that age where I wear what I want and not care what other people think. At the moment it’s penguin pj’s and in a few years it will be sandals with socks. lol
Awesome! Absolutely hilarious! I smile more reading your blog … it’s aptly titled. I have to say, though, you really had me going on the home invasion thing until you revealed what kind of police they were. My heart raced and my chest was tight wondering if you’d really experienced this. I’m from Washington, DC in the US and at one point our nickname was Death City. Body counts were on the news and home invasions by people impersonating police were a regular occurrence. I was very relieved by your revelation
You have a true writing gift because you sucked me right in and I had to know what happened, even after your twist. Bravo!!!
Thank you. I sit here basking in the warm glow of your compliments.
I was thinking about all those American cop shows and movies I’ve seen when I wrote it so I’m very pleased that it came through for you.
When I write I have a tendency to go completely off track. Although this post was always going to be about search results it was originally titled “Let’s do some gay porn”. As you can imagine the end result differed dramatically from my original idea and if you’re wondering about the “gay porn” part, can I just say it’s a long story and we’ll leave it for another post.
Love your pjs- mine are just plain, I have pj envy. I do wonder about those search terms, it’s not like people are finding our blogs through google typing those phrases: I know I’m nowhere near the top of the pile of results for so generic a search as “slut load”, so where are they searching? WordPress itself?
I’ve just sat here for ten minutes contemplating your pj’s. Mmmmm… so you have nothing to be envious about.
Exactly! Why are they such bizarre results? I can’t understand why people still search for the word “nude” when “amateur french granny deepthroat” seems a lot more interesting.
Thank you for that. Out of interest I Googled “slut load” and found a porn site I haven’t visited before. I appreciate it and I’ll be thinking of you when watching “ami gets in raunchy 5 way gang bang, double & triple penetratons,eric john,jack vegas,jenner”.
Slut load and its oddly spelt variation “sult lod” etc is one of my top searches so I’m not surprised it leads somewhere interesting. I used to get loads of weird granny bestiality ones but lately they are getting decidedly more paedo so not so amusing any more. I don’t know why except I might have called an Italian a paedo once….
I checked that Ami gang bang out just now but it’s a bit too fast and furious for my liking.
I’m not convinced there was any need for that amount of extra guys standing around…
And thank you but I’m still jealous of the penguins.
Nice blog post, had me going for a minute.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks, and the same to you. You’re providing a much needed and much loved public service and we all thank you for it.
Love Flannel PJs almost as much as being naked. My searches leading to the blog are about nipples, imagine that?!
I totally get that. Flannel and nakedness are both very sensual to the skin. Since I found your blog via Sinful Sunday (Thanks Molly) technically I was brought to your blog by nipples as well. Isn’t the internet just wonderful! lol